Aaaaaand the students are back……

I know, I know, I went all quiet again. Things got more than a little strange and unusual around Castle DumpsterFire the last few weeks. Add that to my usual brand of strange and unusual awkwardness, and it makes for an interesting time.

Landlord decided to start showing the empty rooms here, which in theory sounds great. What complicates things is that he’s the one feilding all the calls and requests for the rooms from 4 whole timezones away, all the while trying to coordinated showings of the house with me and my schedule that can change on a dime. I actually had a day last week where I got called at 4:45pm asking if I could make it to the downtown branch for 5pm (I made it for 5:15pm). I have no real schedule, so trying to schedule around an non-existent schedule is damn near impossible. I wound up giving a few tours of the house in my pj’s with soaking wet hair because I was getting ready for work while I did them.

You know how this house seems to get dirty even if no one is here to dirty it, so when I wasn’t working or showing the house, I was cleaning. Like, hardcore. I was scrubbing the floors by hand with a scrub brush, cleaning grout with a toothbrush, sweeping the ceilings, things like that. So that just leads to more of my multitaskin relaxin, trying to do ALL the things at once so I get maximum relaxation benefits, while not actually relaxing at all.

Of course, in the middle of all this, I make appointments to go look at some apartments and decide to start teaching myself French too. Why not?

So now that everything is going back to normal around here, that means a whole new batch of bizarre to deal with.

-I went out and saw just what kind of apartment I can afford on my own right now, and it’s so discouraging. So now I’m looking for more work (because somehow two jobs isn’t enough), and asking around to see if anyone knows someone who wants to split on a 2-bedroom apartment. I’m done with the “living with total strangers” thing, but think I could manage living with someone I kinda know before they randomly show up on my doorstep.

-our newest addition to Castle DumpsterFire moved in last night. He seems like a nice enough kid, even if he does have to have his girlfriend cook his meals for him. I had to sit here and listen to her explain how to cook noodles today.

-I was turned down for a few full-time positions, which got to me more than I thought it would.

-I have been letting everything go. I’m not reading as much, or writing much of anything. I haven’t done any of my writing prompts in weeks. I don’t even make my bed every day anymore. I’m not taking time for me lately, and it’s really showing.

-the X and I were getting along great, for the most part. We did have one huge drunken fight the night before the New Kid moved in. It was just neither of us had to work the next day, we both drank more than we should, we’re both stressed from our personal lives, and we took it out on each other.

With everything going on, I just am burning out yet again. Monday was the holiday, and I spent most of the day in bed with the Every Cuddly Bowser Kitten. We laid there until a little after 3pm before I dragged my ass out of bed to show and find food. One quick trip to the Multifoods later, and I have a fridge full of celery and collards, and I wound up with 2 days worth of lemon chicken.

So I’ll be around. No clue what direction this blog is taking right now, to be perfectly honest. I have roughly 20 books checked out right now I’m trying to get through, an apartment search to work on, sorting through 6 years worth of crap I’ve accumulated while living in this house, and a severely neglected Bowser Kitten to worry about. But I’ll keep coming back here, somehow. I always do.

Advertisements

Updated my “Why I’m Here” page for you all.

So it’s been a few years since I updated my “Why I’m Here” page. I looked it over today, and had a good laugh. When I started this blog 5 years ago, I feel like I was a totally different person. I saw the world in a completely different way, and it shows in my writing. I’ve evolved as a person, in ways I didn’t anticipate. It’s like I was an Eevee who always expect to become an Flareon, but somehow instead became a majestic Umbreon. So here’s the updated “Why I’m Here”, just so y’all can figure out why I’m here writing this.

No one’s life is perfect. Everyone has ups and downs, from huge life-altering ones to tiny things that barely register on the radar. We all have issues with money, work, relationships, navigating the basics of life, and trying to fit in as part of a society we don’t understand. We are surrounded by media showing us what our lives are supposed to be, what they’re supposed to look like. We’re all supposed to want to buy the house with the little fence, get married, have kids, work in a single fulfilling career until we retire, and then spend our days relaxing and travelling with our soulmate while we spoil our grandkids.

Sounds nice, don’t it?

But that’s not how life works for most of us. We’re at a point in time where we’re working multiple jobs, living with roommates through our 20s and sometimes our 30s, scraping by by the skin of our teeth. We have credit card debt, student debt, cell phone bills, internet bills, car bills, rent, utilities, food, and all the other things that come with being alive and trying to enjoy the time you have here.

That doesn’t mean everything is all bad though. Yes, the media keeps telling us that we’re the poorest generation, we have the most debt starting our lives after school, the housing market is crap and rents keep rising. But we’re also damn determined, stubborn, and we’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. We are redefining what it means to be alive, what it is to be a grown-up. The old “white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog” model for life is outdated. We’re re-writing the fairy tale image that everyone wants. We’re wood nymphs, dragons, warriors,majestic beings living what others would see as a fantasy life.

When I first started this blog, it was because I didn’t live up to the expectations that were before me. I started writing things to try and help people not end up like me. I had resume tips, how to navigate post-secondary school, how not to be a failure. I saw myself as this lesser being, this failure of person who was doomed to fail for life.

What a difference a few years make, eh?

Now I realize that I am majestic as fuck. I am strong, I am determined, and I’m cute as hell. I have the power to take control of certain aspects of my life, and the power to deal with the parts I can’t control. The vibe of this blog has changed over time, just as I’ve changed. Am I still The Failed Grown-Up? You’re damn right I am. I’ve failed at almost all of the things that I was told would be markers of my adulthood. But now I’m redefining what I feel it means to be grown-up, what it means to feel alive. Because when we look at what is normal now, we’re all damn failures. Revel in it, embrace it, learn to love the beast.

I will shout from the rooftops that I am a failure, because I will never have that perfect life. But no one gets that perfect life. Even the people around you, who seem to have it all together, who seem to know all the right things to say and are always in the right place at the right time, have their demons inside their head. No one has a perfect life, and if they say they do they’re hiding something.

It’s bodies, I bet. All those 0.5 kids we weren’t supposed to have are under their floorboards.

A Very Late Update, with More to Come Soon

Hello, lovelies!

Yes, it’s been about a month and a half since my last update. I have had a lot going on in 2018 and came to realize that I was using this blog more as a personal diary than as what I had intended it for: a tool or resource to help others learn from my mistakes and experiences.

Yes, some good came of that. I was able to open up quite a bit about my anxiety, and about the issues I’ve had involving alcohol in my life. Those are huge things for me and really helped me grow as a person. Also, I got a few emails (which I chose to keep to myself and not post here) from others going through similar experiences with alcoholic partners and family members. Still, this seemed more LiveJournal than ProfessionalWiter’sBlog. So, while I took the time to adjust to my new store, I imposed a blog-hiatus on myself: no writing, no note-taking, no pre-planning at all. I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo to help get this blog back on track, but I’m still unsure as to my participation in it.

So what has been happening in my life lately?

My new store is quite a bit rougher than the old one. We have “parking lot people” who beg for change and a few have actually grabbed people and demanded money. So there’s that to deal with.

Also, have a lot more shoplifting. No one likes doing the reports and camera work so I could spend a whole day catching up on that if I could. We have banned more people for stealing in the 6 or so weeks I’ve been at this store than we did the entire almost 4 years at my last store. And some of them are so brazen. Just the other day one walked in and just started loading up her backpack. When the assistant manager caught her, she dumped everything and started receiting legal jargon at him about how he couldn’t call the police on her because she technically hadn’t stolen yet (which would be true, if we didn’t have her on camera stealing a few times in the past week, and if she were not permenantly banned from the store). She’s been through the system enough that some stores know her by name.

There’s also a lot more people with different addiction issues. We have a very heavy meth user who tried to attack our security staff one day, who keeps trying to come in. He scares the hell out of me. The other people with these issues are mostly fine, but this guy almost put his fist through a plate-glass window because I refused him service once. I am actually terrified some nights that I’m going to be attacked by one of the people we refuse or ban from the store.

I do have a former coworker I had a crush on working with me now. I will freely admit that physically, this man is perfect. I mean, his ass should be framed and hung up in the Louvre because it is a damn work of art. Working with him again, though, the crush isn’t there anymore. We can still tease each other back and forth, but I know that the two of us are a horrible match. It’s fun now having him around because we get along great and he’s a great person in general. Now that we both have pets, every shift pretty much starts with the sharing of pet pictures.

I’ve taken a lot more sick days at this store in the last 6 weeks than I usually take in a year. I usually take maybe two a year. Today was my third day since moving to this store, after already taking one before the move there. I took two days off one week because this store is horrible for my anxiety, and I was puking more than I was eating for a while. I needed a few days to get my strength back and keep some food in me. I had my first full-blown, laying on the floor in hysterics, screaming and crying and shaking, totally scary panic attack since my last year of University. Usually, it’s more of the jittery, pukey, head constantly spinning and heart racing feeling I get, and that I’m able to somehow deal with. But this time, I just went over the edge. It scared the hell out of the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend, who had no clue how to help. His first instinct was to hold me, but that’s pretty much the opposite of what I needed. I let him try to help, though, and got myself calmed down a bit. Later that week, though, when I still hadn’t completely come down, I had to take two days off. I just told the boss I was having stomache issues.

Also, I’m not as forthcoming with my anxiety issues with my coworkers here as I was at my other store. My former assistant manager moved to this store the week after me, and he knows a bit about my issues. But I don’t talk about them freely like I did before. There just seems to be so much more judgement, and gossip, and back-talking that I don’t feel comfortable speaking up. That was a big reason why I didn’t update here: I knew I could talk freely on here, but needed to become comfortable in my daily life with it again too. After renaming my group chat with my former work fam to “Fam Squad”, and sharing in the misery with them, I realize now that there are too many trust issues in my store for me to be open. I don’t have the bond with my coworkers that I did before. I’m much more guarded about sharing information about pretty much anything with anyone but three coworkers I knew before moving here.

To top all of this off, I took another sick day Wednesday. My wrist has been bothering me due to the increase in use. Remember, I was bumped back to 4 hours a week. That means I got roughly 175 customers a week, or 700 a month. At my new store, I’m getting closer to 10,000 customers a month, which means more time on the scanning gun. This is in addition to my new duties scanning the store (with a gun that uses the same motions), The increased strain has left me with the beginnings of a repetitive stress injury. How did I find this out? A bird flew in through an open door at home. While trying to corral cats and shoo the bird, I fell on my already sore wrist and sprained it. Took a day off work, went to a clinic, and am now medicating with wine because the doctor knows I’ll listen to my body and what I need to do rather than drag myself halfway across town to a series of different medical appointments over a series of months. If I have any further issues, I’m more than welcome to come back and see him. But he didn’t give me papers for work, or a prescription.

My wrist has been ok so far today. I practically destroyed it at work last night, so I’m surprised I’m not in more pain. To top everything off, we have a new District Manager who is changing everything about every store, and is passing down new motion study procedures to all of our larger stores from her bosses. Somehow it’s supposed to take us only 10 minutes to fully scan and put away a skid of product, even though most stores are short handed and some have only one person working the load at a time.  And then they wonder why so many of us are getting injured………

Of course, this has all been on top of everything else that comes with life. The apprently accepting Bowser Kitten has fully embraced his new baby sister Baby Sketchpad McCaffrey. The two are pretty damn adordable together now. He’s a bit protective of her at times, and she’s a hyperactive accident waiting to happen. It’s a match made in heaven.

We had some family issues to deal with for a while, and had the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend’s father stay with us a few nights so AAB could help him out the following morning. That really took a toll on AAB, but baby kitten snuggles have been helping a lot. I have some new work possibilities coming up, and have been thinking about doing some more schooling if none of those pan out.

So with this all off of my chest, I’m hoping to get back to this blog’s original purpose: to give people to knowledges, resources, tools, and advice that they generally aren’t given to make important decisions, create better habits, and live the best life they can. Yes, I will update about myself and my life from time to time, but not at the rate I was recently. I want this blog to be more of a help to others than glorified LiveJournal.

And with that, Sunshine, I bid you adieu for the day. One of my former coworkers gets married tomorrow, and I have a lot of beauty crap to do today before work to get ready for the party tomorrow. AAB and I will be heading out there with my WorkBFF and her fiancee, and we’ll all be reunited with the FamSquad for the day. Now, go out there and enjoy the day!

Updates

So, you may have noticed I went silent again lately. Seriously, I had planned on updating more. I have four roommates, and the newest one is driving me up the wall. I have lists and lists of posts to make.

But, as always, life got in the way.

Beginning of the month, I met a new guy at work. He’s a customer, and we’ve been spending pretty much every weekend hanging out together. That’s the good little bit of life right now. Pretty much the only good part.

Middle of the month, my dad had to go up to London for his ablation. That’s a surgery that is supposed to help with his AFib problem. His heart rate would suddenly go up to over 200bpm in the middle of the night, and he’d have to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance to have his heart shocked back to a normal rhythm. This surgery involved burning off the bad parts of his heart to make the surrounding parts stronger, or something like that. A really nice nurse explained it to a small child like that, which was a hell of a lot easier to understand than all the medical talk they threw at me. So my sister and I went up there to be with mum through all of this. My sister had to leave that night, and I spent the night in a residence with mum. There were a few small complications, and we were almost 6 hours late being discharged while they monitored fluid build-up around his heart. Turns out they had to burn a lot more than they thought they’d have to. Everything turned out fine, and we came home.

That was a week ago Tuesday. By Friday, dad and my brother both had really bad chest colds, with my brother winding up with bronchitis. In the middle of all this, mum caught it too. Now mum was next in line for her heart surgery, and was supposed to go up to London this past Friday for her pre-admission appointment. She needs an aortic valve replacement, and her heart was only pumping at about 35% of what it should have been.

Sunday night, I phone them up to see how everyone is feeling, just to have my brother tell me that dad just rushed mum to the hospital.She was admitted late Monday night, and spent a few days in one hospital here in town. Doctors said she had pneumonia and a blood clot in her heart. So we all have had to wear full quarantine gear around her, in case she’s contagious. Then on Thursday night, she was transferred to the CCU at another hospital where one of her heart doctors works. She’s been there ever since.

The doctors are saying that she has to have her surgery ASAP now, because her heart has gotten weaker. It’s down between 20% and 25% of normal function. She’s been fighting off her pneumonia, and finally got her first shower since Sunday morning today. I’ve been going to see her every chance I get, and so has my sister. Dad is practically living at the hospital right now, taking care of her. I’ve been bussing it all over town, to different hospitals and my work, and haven’t had a break since dad’s surgery. I got called into work on Thursday morning, and was such a wreck that my co-workers were worried. Apparently my hands were shaking so much, I couldn’t use the pricing gun right.

Through all of this, I’ve had to update everyone on Facebook (there’s no phones or internet allowed in the CCU). So between hospital, buses, work, dozens of Facebook messages each day, and dealing with idiot roommates, I am going to just have a total breakdown soon. My parents told me to take tomorrow off everything and get some rest, before I collapse.

So that’s been my life, Sunshine. Sucks, don’t it? But I’m getting through it, day by day. I always say, the world doesn’t stop just because someone sneezes. Life isn’t going to pause itself because someone gets sick. So I’ll be around more soon, hopefully, as soon as everyone around here starts remembering how to be healthy again.