Being a Grown-Up Child

Today has been a weird day. I got up 11 hours ago, and am just now sitting down to my first “meal” of the day: stale Ritz crackers with discount cheese and lunch meat. I had a morning shift today, which meant an early morning. Usually, the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend’s alarm starts going off around 5:30am and he’s out the door by 6am. This gives me an hour power-nap before my 7am alarm. Today, I just couldn’t nap though. Tried to make coffee, but the coffee maker did that thing where it fills the filter with water but doesn’t let the water drain into the coffee pot. So, I came out of the shower to find weak-ass coffee-ish water all over the floor and counter.

No time to make more coffee, since I had to go through the cupboard to gather up non-perishables for a charity event I completely forgot about. Made it out the door a few minutes early so I could stop and grab a Monster on my way to work. Once again, the Perpetually Absent Coworker didn’t show up, and may not show up for the rest of the week. This sent everyone into a panic, trying to rearrange schedules and cover shifts.

Instead of sitting down and relaxing on my break, I did my grocery shopping and sliced up half a cucumber to eat at my till. Had the usual menagerie of the strange wandering through the store today. Walked home in the rain, and was able to rest long enough to take a quick poop before it was back out into the world. Ran donation to campus for that charity event, caught up with an old friend, walked home in the rain again, and then scurried around the house trying to get a day’s worth of cleaning done in 17 minutes. Pretty sure I failed, but the dishes are done.

And now I’m sitting here with my plate of discount stale food, watching an old Daria episode and typing while the ever fierce and powerful Bowser Kitten watches me from the bed. I am finally sitting, trying to massage my plantar fibromatosis with an 8lbs dumbbell. The Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend should be home any minute now, and I’m going to try and cook him a dinner amazingly awesome enough to match his amazing awesomeness.

This is a pretty average day, I guess.

Some people think this is a weird day to have, considering I’m 35 years old. I worked 5 hours today, had to walk to and from work (and everywhere else), didn’t feed myself, and spent the bulk of my day getting yelled at by customers because we’re in the middle of our postal code survey at work and they think it’s part of a government conspiracy. I don’t have some high powered job like everyone thought I would at this age. I’m not a lawyer or a professor, I don’t have a nice office or a comfy desk chair I can spin around in and wheel down the hallway. To a lot of people, I’m not a real grown-up.

That’s why I call myself The Failed Grown-Up. You see, there are people out there that think that life has to follow a very specific, linear plan in order for it to be successful. You go to grade school, and then high school. You work hard, get good grades, maybe get a part-time job. Go to college or university, buy a car. Graduate. Get a “real” job, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have babies. Then it’s work until you grow old and retire, then rest and relax until you die. Anything that strays from this very neat and organized little path is wrong.

I used to think like that, on and off. I worked hard in high school, got pretty good grades. After I dropped out of university and went through the period I call my Dark Days, I jumped back into school and went to college for the program that would get me a “real” job the fastest. I threw myself into the “find a job that will pay for me to relax and die someday” mentality.

The fact that I didn’t stick with that path seems to really bother some people. The funny thing is, it’s not the people that matter most to me. My parents are fine with my life choices, as long as I’m happy, healthy, and can keep a roof over my head. AAB and the Bowser Kitten fully support me in my retail life and my writing projects. Actually, the people closest to me are perfectly fine with what I’m doing. Ok, some of them have that “really, isn’t it time to grow up and give up the whole writing dream” mentality, so I just don’t tell them that I still write.

Customers that come through my line at work seem to have a problem with it, actually. I’ve had a few dozen parents point to me while they tell their kids some variation of, “See, that’s why you stay in school. You don’t want to wind up with a nothing job like that when you’re older. Study hard, stay in school, get a real job, not like this loser here.” I have had people tell me to my face that I’m a loser for working retail past the age of 25. People roll their eyes at me when I try to explain things to them about products as if I can’t understand scotch or wine on a budget like mine.

That’s one of the downsides of being a Failed Grown-Up. Other people seem to think that they’re somehow above me because they work in an office, or are married, or have kids, or own a home. It’s like they’re so damn superior because I’m on the other side of the counter while they pay. Some of them are outright mean about it at times, too.

How do I counter that? Being a Failed Grown-Up, I have quite the collection of childish things. For two whole months, I wore Halloween accessories at work, and I’m not talking pumpkin earrings. I had tiny top hats on headbands, cat ears, devil horns, a black veil, even a pirate hat and bandana. I brought toy swords and knives with me and had a parrot skeleton on my shoulder sometimes. We have some pretty weird music being pumped through the store, so when I’m at my till I bounce around and dance to it to keep everyone entertained.

People take issue with my appearance, too. When I was 19, I chopped off all my hair and dyed to fire engine red. I had 21 piercings in just my ears and dressed all in black. When I went to visit my dad at work, he made me wear mum’s bright coat and a toque to cover my hair. His co-workers laughed and told him it was all a phase. Someday, I’d become a Real Grown-Up, take out all my piercings, and let my hair grow long and natural.

Well, I’m down to 13 piercings in the ears (and one in my nose). My hair is still short and red, just not as bright. The bright burgundy I have now makes my eyes look bluer, and the haircut I have is easy to work with and maintain. I am damn adorable, and people notice it. There is no one way to look like an adult.

Now, this whole Failed Grown-Up thing isn’t all sunshine and roses. One of the reasons I’m in the situation I’m in now is because I went back to school so late and without any research into it. I didn’t look into the cost of a degree, backup plans in case I couldn’t get the job I wanted with that degree. I didn’t bother looking into scholarships or bursaries or really doing anything to make going back to school more affordable for me. I threw myself into it and took out student loans. Those student loans, with the job I have now, will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life.

Thanks to the overbearing loans, I don’t have the money for things. AAB and I are raising our fur-child Bowser Kitten in a house where we rent bedrooms. We have random roommates coming and going, and have no control over who we live with. We can’t afford to buy cars, or a house, or any sort of real assets. We each have a computer, a phone, and we share an iPad we got secondhand refurbished. We can’t afford vacations, or to even really take time off work to just be together. To make ends meet, I am at the half-way point of a 30-day stretch at the store, and he works almost 60 hours a week sometimes over 6 days every week. We don’t have the luxury of time that others our age seem to have. I would love to move into a small house, get a second (and maybe even third) cat, start a family (with a human baby or two, not just cats). That’s not something that’s possible for us right now, though.

Would I change things? Maybe, a bit. If I could, I would go back and apply for this job much earlier than I did, so I’d have higher seniority and better pay. I would’ve applied for more free money (scholarships and bursaries) while I was in school, and saved more of my loan to put down as one big loan payment. I wouldn’t have taken on so much credit card debt. But I can’t change those things now. I can only accept them and move forward. I push forward every day, not to make up for the mistakes of my past, but to live my present and future in a better way. Yes, I’m paying off my debt and saving up for a new place to live. And yes, walking everywhere and relying on public transit in a city that was made by the auto industry really sucks. But things could always be worse.

So even if you stray from that well-thought-out-plan you had to make you a Real Grown-Up, Sunshine, don’t let it get you down. It’s not the path you take that makes you a grown-up. It’s what you do with whatever is on your plate that defines you. So go out there, and be the best you that you can be. That’s what being a grown-up is all about.

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When I was in the 5th grade, I stole a book off my mother’s bedside table. It was Rites of Burial, the true story of serial killer Bob Berdella. It was totally not appropriate reading for a 10/11-year-old and even had a small section with crime scene photos of his implements of torture. I should have been terrified just pages into that book, plagued with nightmares after the first chapter. Instead, it made me feel alive. I mean, here was this human embodiment of pure evil, who tortured and murdered young men, and there were people out there who trained their entire lives to somehow track this man down and stop him. There were investigators, criminologists, profilers, crime scene technicians, whole teams of people working together whose main goal was to gather whatever information they could in their field regarding these crimes so that all of these smaller pieces could form one whole, and lead to the arrest of a monster.

By 10th grade, I was torn. I had dove head-first into true murder and serial killer books as a passion and collected Max Haines’ books as basic starters to a list of famous murderers. A big part of me wanted to train and study and learn to go out there and catch these monsters; another part wanted to sit behind a desk in a tiny office, surrounded by papers and research, and write about them. I spent the next three years reading anything I could get my hands on in our tiny school library and collecting the few books I could get at the tiny bookstore in town. This was in the days when the internet was still new and scary, and no one knew what it would become. I was being told that writing wasn’t a practical career unless I got into something like journalism or teaching writing.  At the same time, I was being told that post-secondary teaching and journalism were dying careers that would soon be completely taken over by the internet. I actually let people convince me that there would somehow be maybe two dozen journalists in all of Canada, and they would write the news for every single Canadian, who would read their news online.

By the time high school was coming to an end, everyone else pretty much decided what I would do with my life. I had applied to a school for English Writing and Psychology and had to pick a third option to apply for. I was talked into applying for International Relations and Developmental Studies. Both the writing and Psychology would have been great fits for me and would’ve let me figure out which I wanted more: the writing or the investigating. Instead, I let my parents pressure me into the International Relations program. They figured that this would lead to some high powered, big salary job in the government doing Very Big And Important Things. I had no interest in this at all but never bothered fighting them on it. Instead, I quietly hid all of the correspondence from the University over the summer, including my tuition bill. The day before classes were supposed to start, they finally asked me when my tuition was due. I told them it wasn’t because I wasn’t going. I gave up before I even started.

I spent the next few years just…. existing. I wrote a little bit for a time, had a job as an absolutely horrible monthly Arts and Culture columnist for a local magazine. Spent a lot of time in dark, dingy bars writing poetry in corners by candle-light. I got into the local goth scene and listened to a lot of German industrial music (which is still a weakness of mine). And I got engaged to a horrible, abusive, unsupportive shell of a man. After finishing my first novel (a horribly crappy first draft of a love story/zombie science fiction trope), he burned the only copy and permanently deleted all the files I had for it. I gave up on writing, on any sort of future, on myself pretty much.

Even in the years after I had the strength to leave him, I let myself be pressured into things I didn’t fully want. I went to school to be an administrative assistant. I had been out of school for a few years and was pressured into doing something that could lead to a career in the next year or two. I went to school, did my classes, got good grades, and spent way too much money on pizza and weed. I went for one year, just long enough to get my certificate. I had a sort of super personal tragedy incident thingy happen that year (that’s a whole other post altogether for another day when I’m feeling much braver), and decided against going back for the full diploma and spending another year with some of my classmates. I got a job as a telemarketer at a photocopier dealership and worked my way up to service dispatcher for the for service technicians in just two years.

While I was working this job, the show Criminal Minds premiered. Aside from having the sexiest nerdy young genius ever to appear on network TV(sorry Doogie!), it transported me back to that very first book. Mum still had it on a bookshelf in the basement, and I stole it from her again. I had already started taking a few night classes at the university I had dropped out of years before, studying Political Science this time because I was told it was a Good and Practical Degree that would get me a Very Good and Important Job doing things I had no interest in. I was told that was what being a grown-up was: waking up every day hating your life, going to a job you despise, and forgetting every dream you ever had. A few episodes into the series, I had applied for some psychology courses. That summer, I quit my job and went back to school full time to study Psychology and Criminology.

I wish I could say that the passion I had when I was 11, that I had when I was 16, that I let die in my early 20s, that it suddenly came back to me in full force. It didn’t though. I spent so much time letting everyone else convince me of what I should do with my life, that I lost it. People were still telling me that Criminal Minds was just a TV show, that people like that didn’t really exist. I knew that I wasn’t going to study and wind up flying around the country on a private jet solving crimes, like some federal Mystery Machine. But I also had books by  John Douglas and Robert Ressler and knew that this career was out there. Instead of grabbing the opportunity and running with it, studying my ass off and finally doing what I had been interested in since childhood, I partied in a frat house for years while getting better than decent grades, but not good enough to make me top of the class.

And where has all of this gotten me? After more than a decade of just convincing myself that everyone else knew what’s best for me, and giving up on whatever dreams I had, I’m sitting here at my computer desk, in the house that me and the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend (and the always awesome Bowser Kitten) share with at least three other people. It’s a Tuesday afternoon. I got up at 5:30am and started scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom. I worked my ass off cleaning until almost 11am, before deciding to relax on my last day off of the month. Instead of the Awesome Important Job everyone thought I would get, or a job that has absolutely anything to do with my interests, I’m working 6-7 days a week as a Customer Service Representative in a store that sells beverages that require ID to purchase (*technically not allowed to say where I work, according to our Social Media policy). I’m sitting here in a pair of old tights that are wearing out at the seams, but I’m too broke to replace them, and what is supposed to be a “dress” but looks more like a long hoodie on my fat ass. I’m eating reheated McNuggets and drinking cheap red wine that I’ve been crying into for the last hour. Sometimes I think, “Hey, I’ll do some free courses online, get ahead at work” and do some stuff with addiction or wine knowledge, but my heart isn’t in it. I get distracted reading notable deaths for the year on Wikipedia, or reading old academic articles by famous criminal profilers. I’m 35 years old, and my eyesight disqualifies me from serving in the RCMP as an officer, which is the first step in getting into a career in profiling here. I’m too old, too inexperienced, and too much of a failure to really do much these days.

The thing is, I can’t blame anyone but me. Days like this, I wind up sitting here thinking about the stupidest things that have happened in my life and thinking, “What if I had handled that differently? Would my life be different?”. What if I had the nerve to go to University for psychology right out of high school? What if I had studied harder in University and got a job in academic research? What if I studied this stuff harder when I was young, and wound up researching and writing as some sort of child prodigy? Hell, from there my “what if’s” get even stranger. What if I took Grade 13 Sociology instead of Cosmotology when I was in grade 12? What if I made more of an effort to talk to people in high school? What if I I actually talked to the guy I had a crush on for 4 years in high school instead of just being his partner in drama and never practicing with him, so we bombed out final performance? What if I wrote more in grade 9, grade 8, grade 7, grade 6? What if I kept in better touch with my friends from grade school? What if I never lost touch with my best friend’s grade school crush, who I was really good friends with? Then, I start reading Stephen King’s Insomnia, which just messes with my head more. What if fate is real? What if my fate isn’t to actually do anything real with my life, but to exist just so that I can randomly talk to a person on the street one day and delay them just enough that they run into another person, who then runs late for an appointment and takes a cab and talks to the cab driver, who turns out to be an Actual Important Person?

Basically Sunshine, I’m a mess, and there’s no one else to blame but me. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know what there is that I can still do with my life. Most of the things I want to do are either out of my reach because of finance or age restrictions, and that tears me up inside. I put off so many things because I let other people decide what was best for me when I knew what I wanted at the time. Don’t wind up like this, Sunshine. If you have a goal, a dream, any sort of point to aim for, then just go for it. Pour your whole heart and soul into it. Don’t put things off thinking that you’ll get around to them eventually, or that other people know what’s best for you better than you do. Travel, learn, love, take risks, make history, make memories, and create the life you want and need. Otherwise, you just may wind up 35 years old, half drunk in a rented bedroom while your cat tries to eat your pants and your “Amazingly Awesome” boyfriend needs constant care and detailed instructions on how to be anything close to amazing or awesome most days.

Don’t wind up like me. That’s why I have this blog. If you can’t be a good example, at least be a terrible warning.

Back To School Anxiety: The Financial Side

Ok, so every year (even though I’ve long graduated, but still live near campus) I check out my old university’s Welcome Week. I volunteered with it for a few years, and know how much free food and stuff gets tossed out because no one takes it. So, I make it my mission to take stuff every year, to help decrease surplus waste.

And every fucking year they’re giving away copies of the same book: The Debt-Free Graduate. Yes, I know that they say every year is the new ~revised~ version with all the new tax and RESP law stuff in there, but 99% of the book is still the same. I have owned 7 copies of this book over the years. There is on my bookshelf, and the other 6 have gone to GoodWill. I figure it’s doing more good there than on a free table on a university campus.

The DEbt Free Graduate

Why?

Because a bunch of the tips have to do with stuff you have to do BEFORE you start school. RESPs, applying for scholarships in high school, getting summer jobs all through out high school and college/university, applying for loans and bursaries as a high school student. Seriously, they should give this out freshman year orientation of high school so that kids can start preparing themselves. Everything else in the book is just common sense tips that you can find online. And again, most of this shit would be most useful to you before you start classes for your first year of higher education.

Now, there are hundreds of sites out there saying the have fantastic advice on how to save money on life while you’re a student. I’d say a good 75% of these articles in some way, shape, or form mention Ikea as a decorating option. Now, I went to my local Goodwill today (it was my day off, so I thought I’d treat myself to some $2 books and $4 slippers), and they have a shit-tonne of old sturdy wooden desks there. The most expensive one I saw there was $35, plus $15 for delivery if you didn’t have a friend with a truck to grab it for you. Even still, $50 for a super solid desk is really not bad for someone who will spend a good 60% of their life at their desk for the next 4-6 years. And that’s on the pricey side of what I’ve seen! The desk I use now came with the room I rent. At my old apartment, I got a desk off the side of the road when some students were moving out and just discarding furniture. That being said, a lot of these “money saving” articles for students think that something like this is a good deal. For those of you who don’t want to click on random links, that a desk for students at the super bargain price of more than $400!!!

Ok, so I know that for a lot of us, $400 seems like nothing once those student loans roll in. But a $400 desk to save money? Even with that fresh cash in your bank, you don’t need to be throwing down big bucks for the basics. Like I said, paying $50 for the purchase and delivery of some old-school super sturdy wooden desk build back when people wanted their shit to last 500 years is a bargain for me. I’ve also used desks pulled off the side of the road when I didn’t have that $50 to spare.

So if you haven’t been saving for college or university since you started high school, don’t have a metric shit-tonne of scholarships to help you out, have very little or no don’t have RESP or any sort of educational savings from your family to help you, what the hell are you going to do. I mean, if you’re “lucky enough” to qualify for student loans, then you have those to fall back on. Or do you?

Basically, here’s a bunch of shit to remember when you’re trying to navigate financially in your post-high school education.

#1: They’re loans. It’s not free money.

PowerBall Winnings Student Loan Debt

I have seen student loan money blown on the craziest shit. I had a friend who needed a new mattress, and instead of getting something basic to last her through her degree (since she would be moving back home probably once she graduated while she looked for a job), she spent $1700 on a damn good mattress. Her rent was late at the end of the semester while she shoveled driveways to make up for the $300 she was short.

I once went to a fraternity cocktail party at a bar the beginning of winter semester. Three guys each had bar tabs in excess of $800, with two of them using their student loans to pay them off. Most of their tab was buying shots and rounds for their friends all night.

Another friend bought a car. Nothing fancy. Hell, not even something reliable. The tailpipe had to be rig-welded together with soda cans because she couldn’t afford repairs. Bought it in her first year, the damn thing barely made it half-way through the second year.

We all do stupid shit with our student loans. Hell, I know there are a bunch of things I spent way too much on over the years that I’m still trying to pay off now (flannel shirts, cheap boots, booze, and pizza are the big ones here). Loans are meant to be spent on tuition (which in my province, is automatically taken out by the school before you receive your loan), your rent, your books, food, and little important things like your phone bill. They’re not throwing a tonne of cash at you to go on a shopping spree, buying beds and cars and booze. You are getting the bare basics plus a little bit to live with.

And this money is NOT free.

If my friend had taken his $800 he spent on booze and just put it in savings, that’s an $800 payment he could’ve made on his student loan. Believe me, every tiny bit counts when it comes to your student loan repayment so that $800 could’ve covered interest for close to a year depending on how long he went to school.

The $1700 my friend spent on one mattress she had to abandon when she left the city after her degree is worth more than 6 months worth of her current student loan payments. Imagine not buying something extravagant, and being more than 6 months ahead of your friends in being debt free.

In the end, this is all being paid back. And having a ridiculous amount of student debt is a major stressor on most people. Ever wonder what triggers my insomnia-inducing anxiety more often than not? It’s debt, with the vast majority of it coming from student loans.

If you want to spend big bucks on something for yourself, mow some lawns or shovel driveways. Get a babysitting gig or something. Earn the extra coin to pay for it, or else it’s just being added to the debt that will be hanging over your head for years to come.

This is NOT your money to go out and spend! Yes, it’s in your account. But it’s a loan. A LOAN! Someone is lending you that money to use, and then pay back later WITH INTEREST!!! It is NOT free money like so many of us (myself included) spent it as.

#2: Why the hell are you buying your textbooks already?

Textbook Meme

Iknow you want to get a jump on things. It’s not easy keeping up with readings and assignments and getting a head start is better than nothing. Your professor sends out the syllabus a week or two in advance, so you can do this.

But do you really need to buy all the textbooks?

From what I’ve heard from friends from all over both Canada and the USA, most profs put a copy or two of their current textbooks in the library. Want to start reading early? Go check out a damn book! I found there is always a damn good chance that the prof with either only uses one of the 7 books they assigned, or only sporadically make you read from the main text. You have your syllabus in front of you. Why not go the library a week ahead of time, take out that textbook, read and make all your notes, and be done with it? It sure as hell beats spending $150+ on a damn book you’ll need a handful of times in a semester.

If you absolutely must have your textbooks, for the love of all things sacred, follow the advice of pretty much every “how to save money as a student” article out there: buy them used. At my old university, students could sell back certain textbooks at a greatly reduced rate, to be resold as used books to new students. I mean, I paid $100 for a book I used three times, and the used book store wanted to buy it for $20. Mind you, they were reselling it for $50.

If you need a textbook, check out used textbook websites. Just type in your college or university named followed by “used” on Facebook, and you’ll find pages for used books, furniture, clothes, everything. Pick up books for less than half price. If you have old books, get a bit of money back for them. If only one prof uses that book, and you took very careful notes and highlights, you could possibly get into a bidding war (had it happen a few times one year) to get your very coveted used text.

Don’t want a bunch of used books cluttering up your shelves? Think about renting them. There are a bunch of websites that will let you rent books from them. You can’t mark them up with highlighters, but you can take notes from them, read them all you want, and then return them at the end of the semester so they’re not cluttering up your bookshelves (or taking up room boxed up in your meager storage space, like mine are). Hell, your own school may even have a rental program set up for books!

#3: Know yourself when buying school supplies

 

*quick note: my school supplies have NEVER been as pretty, coordinated, or themed as the ones I see on Pinterest.

I don’t know why, but I can’t start the semester with old notebooks. Doesn’t matter if I’m taking notes in them or not. Hell, I probably have more than two dozen half used notebooks in my room right now, I could never use them for school. I always needed a fresh notebook to start the class off with, with a nice pen to write with.

So right there I know that I can go to any dollar store and buy notebooks. I’m not overly particular about them, just as long as they have paper in them. Some people are a bit pickier than that. They need the notebooks that are divided into different subjects, with pocket dividers and removable bookmarks. Others use binders, anything from a plain three-ring to one of those giant monstrosities I have for my old writing, full of pockets and accordion files and little zippered compartments.

I know that I can cheap out on notebooks at the dollar store, but I need good pens. Some people are fine with cheap pencils but need the organization and flexibility of one of those fancy huge binders.  You need to figure out what is most important to you when it comes to your note-taking, your organization, and your budget. To this day, I still buy my notebooks at dollar stores. I save every free pen I can find (**tip: free pens are usually really good quality, and last quite a while. Stock up on them anytime you can. Check campus tables, welcome week events, anything with a table and pamphlets really.), and grab a two-pack of nice pens every few months from the drug store. But even though I can get one for free on campus (they’re always over-stocked, so I take what they would throw out), or get one cheap at the dollar store, every Christmas I treat myself to a new day planner from the calendar stand at the mall. It’s $30+ (nowhere near as expensive as the Kate Spade ones some of my friends get, or the leather one my dad always swore by), it has stickers (I’m big on stickers for colour-coding), and has things like to-do lists and shopping lists at the back. I know that this is essential for me, whereas a notebook with compartments and pockets isn’t.

Basically, know what you need. Don’t go out buying the Kate Spade planner if the free one from campus works for you. Don’t buy a $14 pen if you lose pens constantly.

#4: Get your ass to the financial aid office NOW

Financial Aid Jar.jpg

I don’t care if you’re paying with loans, or scholarships, or your parents are paying your way. Go to the financial aid office, see what they offer. I know at my school, they had a wall of scholarships you could apply for. Going to their website brought up even more. I found out that just by receiving student loans, I qualified for Work Study (120 hours a year at an on-campus job at $12 an hour), plus I was eligible for more than half a dozen bursaries. Some of these bursaries weren’t awarded until part-way through the semester when my tuition was already paid up. That meant the financial aid office would just cut me a cheque for whatever I had gotten, and send me on my way.

There were a few semesters where I got an $800+ cheque more than halfway through the semester. Now, I know I should’ve taken at least half of that and applied to towards debt, but I was a stupid student and probably treated myself to sushi once or twice, went out for a girls night a few more times than usual, and bought more books before saving the rest for a rainy day.

It’s not just your financial aid office that can help you, either. Just go and Google things like “Scholarships + [your major]” and see what comes up. Sign up for scholarship websites. They have you fill out huge profiles and questionnaires, leading you to so many things you may not have realized could get you money. Then, Google “Scholarships + [that thing]” and see what comes up. I’ve had scholarships come up because I have family members who have worked for certain companies, or have been part of certain organizations. I had one come up because I did a lot of charity work with a Greek organization, without being a member of any Greek organization. I’ve had LGBTQ+, harmonica players, writers, cat owners, sufferers of anxiety and depression, and mature student scholarships pop up.

After that, look for contests. Your school’s financial aid might be able to help with that. I entered contests through my bank (they totally bastardized a story I wrote, which made me lose horribly because I was too ashamed to attach my name to it to promote it), writing contests, a stop smoking challenge, and two read-a-thons for money. You would not believe what some people will give you money for when you’re a student!

#5: Use what you fucking paid for!

I am the first to admit that I was the absolute worst for this, and I totally regret it right now. As a student, you pay student fees, which pays for a shit-tonne of things for you. As a student, I had prescription coverage, dental coverage, optical coverage, a free gym membership, access to academic counseling, access to psychological counseling, and a bunch of free stuff through student organizations through my major. I took advantage of almost none of this.

As a working somewhat grown-up right now, what do I miss most about school? The dental plan (my first wisdom tooth started coming in a little over a year ago, and needs to be monitored, which can get pricey in the long run). The optical plan (I can afford an eye exam during the busy season at work. It’s the glasses and contacts, which I desperately need in order to see, that I can’t afford. Even using websites like Clearly Contacts, which is so much more affordable than getting my glasses through my eye doctor, is way too expensive at this time due to my prescription).

Do you have any idea how expensive this stuff is once you’re out of school? My glasses are like $800 a pair! I can spend a good $250 easy on contact lenses, and that’s with me stretching it out until my eyes hurt! My mouth is in pain randomly because of my wisdom tooth, so I spend a ridiculous amount on bubble gum (the only gum that seems to relieve the pressure) as sort of a band-aid for the time being. Really, I should just get my eyes and teeth checked. But I have no insurance at all. Neither do a whole tonne of my friends at the moment. The worst part is, I didn’t use up all my benefits the last year I was qualified for them. I could’ve gotten my teeth cleaned, get x-rays done, saw what my wisdom teeth were o and made a plan. If I had gotten my eyes checked, I would know what fucking prescription to get for myself, and been pretty ok right now.

Have a meal plan?Make sure you use up as much of that damn things as possible! I never lived in campus residence, so I didn’t get a meal plan while I was in school. My brother was in school the same time as me and worked in residence, so he HAD to get a meal plan. There were so many students who, at the end of the year, had a bunch of money left to spend on their plan and just left. Have some money left over the last few weeks of school and know you won’t spend it? I saw some students buy meals for others who didn’t have a plan, for cash of course. My brother went to the school variety store at the end of the school year. They had a clearance on stuff they couldn’t keep for the summer months (mainly junk food and ramen), and he stocked up. You should’ve seen the look on my grandma’s face when he walked in the door with a whole CASE of Snickers for her, that he paid like $5 for. He’d stock up with whatever money he had left, and that way he’d save money over the summer by not buying this crap. Ramen is cheap enough, 3 for $1 at the dollar store. I saw people buying a case of 24 for $3 at the end of the year. What student living on their own doesn’t need cheap ramen?

Check out your school’s websites, see what your student fees buy you. If you get a free transit pass, use the fuck out of it. Explore your town, even if you grew up there. Learn where each and every bus route goes, in case you ever need to know. Check out exactly what your health plan gets you, and use it up as much as possible. Go to all the workshops, presentations, talks, extra classes, and hit the gym from time to time at least. Get the absolute most out of what you’re paying for tuition, to help unfuck your future.

 

Well, this is it for now, Sunshine. I’ve got a tonne more back to school advice coming up. My computer is just acting all laggy and crazy riught now, and it’s a real fucking pisser to try and type anymore.

Back to School How-To

Hey there Sunshine!  It’s the middle of the night, going on the very early morning hours. I had a bizarro day (may have witnessed a very injured and mentally unstable young man steal a wheelchair and run away from a hospital ER), and that’s making my anxiety go through the roof tonight. When the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend was heading off to bed, I had to sit up in front of the TV for a bit doing my deep breathing, because I was sure I was about to have a heart attack.

Oh well, hope your night is going much better!

This whole combination of bizarro situations and ridiculously high anxiety DID remind me that school is starting soon, though. I moved a month into high school to a whole new city, to a newly opened high school. Somehow, my parents thought that the fact that the school was new meant that no one there knew each other yet, so I should have no problem making friends. Had to finish my fifth and final year at a new school back in my hometown. After a few years off, went back to college, only to leave after only getting my one year certificate (instead of the 2-year diploma) due to an incident there. Years after that, went back to university as a “mature student” and spent more than 5 years working on my degrees, only to let anxiety get the best of me and not apply to graduate school.

So believe me when I say that I KNOW back to school anxiety.

The thing is, there are so many different things that can worsen your back to school anxiety: financial woes, social anxiety, moving to a new place, the unknown in general, education itself, fear of the future……….  I keep seeing these articles on how to handle your Back To School Anxiety, but they only have band-aid solutions to things.  Sure, lavender might help you relax, but will it help you save money on school supplies and textbooks? Eating lots of veggies is great for your all-around physical and mental health, but how will that help you meet people? Companion animals are great, but most dorm rooms don’t allow them.

So what’s a student to do?

Hopefully, I can shed a little light on that for ya’ll. I researched things back then for myself, and research them now for friends and roommates. I’m digging through my ancient external hard drive, stacks of old half-used notebooks (I dare you to find a troubled writer who doesn’t have at least half a dozen of these in their home), and my very large pile of Research I Printed To Read Later But Never Did. I’m combing Tumblr blogs (I’ll have links to a few that are super helpful), old PowerPoint presentations, and that forgotten “Stuff For My Blog” folder in my Bookmarks. Basically, I’m digging through all my shit to find that shit that works best for you.

So, I’ll try and pour as much of this anxiety-fuelled awakeness into my research for now. Hopefully, I’ll have some posts for you on this all this week, while you’re getting ready for Back to School.

 

A Little Research Goes a Long Way

I know people have been asking you this since you squeaked out your first words, and you’re probably sick to death of hearing it, but what do you want to be when you grow up? Any idea?

I wanted to do two things, Sunshine: I wanted to write, and I wanted to work in criminal profiling and research violent crimes.  They both seemed like the ideal career paths for me. I mean, I wrote all through my teens and early 20s (and then just gave up hope on everything for a good 10 years before trying to give it another go). And I’ve been reading true murder novels ever since I stole my first one from my mother’s bedside table in the 5th grade.

So, in my mid-20s I decided to go back to school and start working towards that whole profiling and research career. I studied Criminology (got my BA.H in that one) and Psychology (my second degree, just a BA), worked as a research assistant for a while, and obsessively read books and papers on murderers. I talked to a professor who was a former RCMP officer (those police officers in Canada that the rest of the world seems to think rides horses all day while they wear bright red jackets and doofy hats), and he told me all the steps I needed to get into the RCMP for a research position.

Dumbest fucking move ever.

You see, he hadn’t been an RCMP officer for a while now. Things change over time, like the qualifications for different positions. He told me I just needed my BA.H in a social science, preferably something where I studied crime (hence the Criminology), and a background in research. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

One simple Google search would’ve shut that down real freakin fast!

You see, in order to get the position I wanted, now you have to first BECOME an RCMP officer. Not only do I have no want or desire to do so, but my eyesight is bad enough that it disqualifies me from the position. Like, it is impossible for me to ever get this job, ever.

If I had realized this while I was still in school, there is a metric crapload of stuff I would’ve done differently. For starters, I would’ve done a little bit more research into what jobs my damn degree qualified me for. I would’ve gone for more career counseling, volunteered with different organizations, looked into addition certificates and courses to help me out. I would’ve switched to a double major in something else, got a minor or two to fall back on. Maybe even got a part-time job to fall back on once I was out of school (but that’s a whole other post).

As it stands, I have two degrees I got specifically to get me a job I can never have. They don’t qualify me for much specifically in the town I live in. I work customer service in a ‘spirits dispensary’ who would prefer I don’t name them in blog postings. I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt from those degrees, plus credit card bills falling out my ass crack from trying to live on 4 hours work a week for months without falling behind in my rent and other bills. And I have to pay this all off with the CSR wages I’m making now, NOT the profiling and research job and salary I had been working towards.

And this was all totally preventable if I had just sucked it up and done a bit more research.

So, as I say way too much to be healthy for my self-esteem, don’t wind up like me. Do a little work towards the work you want to do.

Check Out the Education Qualifications

If you have a job or career in mind, know what you need to get in order to get hired. You wouldn’t expect to just show up on a movie set one day and say, “I’ve never acted, written, produced, or directed in my life, and I have a degree in forensic science. Let me direct your next big budget movie”, and to actually get the job. Some places or careers require schooling, while others prefer you get experience for yourself.

Want to be a teacher? Find out how much schooling you need for that, what courses and majors you need, how many years you’ll be in school. Want to write? You could go to school for creative writing, or you could just write constantly. Neither one is wrong, but they’ll both take you down different paths. Same goes for other creative pursuits. You may be better off just creating content than getting formal school sometimes, while in some situations an education might give you that little something extra that could land you a position.

Have a Company or Position in Mind?

Study and use LinkedIn like it’s your lover: learn it inside and out, make it the best it can be, make it feel appreciated and wanted. LinkedIn can help you get an in with a company, meet people working there, find out more about the company’s culture.

Most businesses have a website these days too. Ever think to look at it? You can learn a shit-tonne from half an hour browsing a company’s website. Find out what they do, their mission statement, who works in positions you’re interested in, who is in charge of hiring.

Find Out Every Step Needed to Get That Job

I knew I needed to get that honours degree. I had no idea I needed to become an actual RCMP officer, which I physically can’t do. A lot of people see that you need to become an officer before moving on to a different job and give up altogether. They’d rather not spend 5 years working in a remote northern community, far from home and everything they love, dealing with criminals and violence and such, to get a desk job doing research. Hell, even if my eyesight didn’t disqualify me from the job, I probably wouldn’t have gone for the officer position anyway. I was just over 30 years old (and still am, btw) competing with people in their early 20s for a physically demanding position, which I am in no physical shape to hold. I’m a desk job person, not chasing perps through vacant lots and hopping tall fences kind of gal.

There are a gazillion different things that a job could require from you that could wind up being a dealbreaker. Believe me, it’s better to know what these are before you throw down $60,000 in borrowed money for a degree that is going to do you no good once you’ve realized you can never get the job you were getting that degree for.

Basically, you need to go and power up The Googles, as my mother calls it. Start researching shit. Look into the jobs you want, the companies you want to work for, the schooling you’re doing, the people you admire. See if what you want is even feasible, and see if it’s something you can definitely be in for the long-haul.

Don’t wind up like me, Sunshine. I kinda love-hate my job most days. It would be great if not for the crushing debt of the schooling and living I did over the last 10 years. I could make a living off of it if I didn’t have all these damn bills.  Make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as me, Sunshine. Do your damn research. Plan shit for the future.

How To Choose Classes

Choosing your classes for the next semester is one of the biggest stresses and headaches you’ll have as a post-secondary student. Everyone has an opinion on what to take, your friends want to take classes with you, your advisor is telling you to take a whole other bunch of classes, and you’re torn between the “if I plan all 8am classes then I’ll HAVE to become a morning person” and “woo hoo, no classes until at least 1pm!”.

Now, I volunteered for the Academic Advising Office while I was in university. The advisers who were paid to be there (you know, the professionals) handled all of the truly hard things. They were the ones who talked to students who were worried they were going to flunk out of their program, or who wanted to change majors completely, or who were hoping to graduate soon and wanted to make sure they had all of the classes they needed all taken care of. We volunteers took care of the rest. Need to look at electives? Not sure which courses count as a Social Science and which ones are Arts? Just want someone to explain how to read your degree audit (or whatever your school calls the giant list of what classes you need to take to graduate)? That’s what we were there for.

I’m no expert when it comes to choosing classes (if I was,then I’d be one of the ones being paid to do that). But I did learn quite a few things back then that I can pass along to you now.

Figure Out What Your Required Courses Are

I know, this sounds stupid. I mean, everyone knows what classes are required, right? Well, no they don’t. The degree audit (or list) that everyone has to look over can be unbelievably confusing sometimes! For example, there are what seems like a billion rules you need to follow if you’re going to choose classes from my Alma Matter to count towards your Psychology degree. You can take 100-level (first year, mostly intro or elective courses) classes, which are usually pre-requisites for other courses (I’ll get into those next), but you can take 14. Now, that may seem like a lot. But if you need 2 Intro Psych, 2 Into Sociology, a few science courses, some arts courses, a language class or two….. these start to add up. I’ve known a lot of people who run out of 100-levels that can count towards their degree, but still have to take a few and do a little course-grade shuffling with their advisers, especially those doing double majors with one or more minor.

Then there’s the “you must take these three very specific classes”, which is easy enough to work with. There’s the “you must take four out of these nine specific classes”, which can get a little confusing. And then there’s the dreaded “you must take X number of classes from this topic, but NOT these four very specific classes”, which are always the most fun four classes on the topic. You need to know that what you are taking not only counts towards your degree, but it won’t mess up your other choices.

Look at the Requirements for your Classes

Those pre-requisite things I talked about earlier are pretty damn important. Basically, there are classes that you cannot take until you take a certain class or group of classes below it. For example, you can’t take a second year Abnormal Psychology class until you take pre-requisite classes, which would most likely be the first year Introduction to Psychology classes, and maybe another Psychology class. I had a few classes that you were not allowed to take until you were in a certain year of your program, with the total number of semesters you’ve studied being the pre-requisite.  For most classes after the first year introduction classes, there will be pre-requisites, which will most likely be the first year introduction classes. In some cases, there is even a grade pre-requisite, meaning you can’t take a certain class if you didn’t get at least a B- in a certain other class before it.

Now, there are also anti-requisites out there. If a course has anti-requisites, that means that you can only take that case OR the anti-requisite. So if there are two classes to choose from, and one of them is the pre-requisite for another class, and the two are anti-requisites….. well, that’s something you really need to look out for!

Electives and “Bird Courses”

Your electives are the classes you get to have the most choice with. In my studies, I had to take a certain number of Language classes, a certain number of Science or Computer Science classes, a certain certain number of classes from anything BUT psychology. So that gave me a whole tonne of choices…… and I wasted them. My non-psychology class requirements were filled with classes from my first degree in Criminology, but I didn’t really take advantage of my choices in that first degree. My language classes came from a then-required set of English writing classes. But my sciences were completely wasted on what my friends recommended to me, because they were “easy”. And now I totally regret that.

There is nothing wrong with picking an elective because it seems like an easy class, especially if you have a particularly difficult semester. And there’s nothing wrong with picking easy classes that seem really interesting to you. I had friends take things like Astronomy and Earth Sciences while we were in school, and they loved them. I feel like I wasted my time taking a few computer science courses that were meant for people not already enrolled in computer science, meaning they were extremely easy and basic classes. In one class, I learned what a mouse is, and how to insert a USB stick. And the worst part is, because the class was so damn easy, I barely tried in it, and got a grade that was a passing grade, but not a great grade. Basically, the “Bird Course” that was supposed to help bump up my average actually brought it down.

What do I wish I had taken? I wish I had take something that taught me how to make a website. I wish I had taken a hard science, like biology, so I could’ve taken another Forensic Science class after I took the Intro class. When I had the chance to take any class that was NOT Criminology (or later Psychology) I took a few fun classes, but I feel like I wasted a lot of classes too. I got talked into taking Philosophy classes with friends that I had no interest in. I took classes I had no interest in, just to take classes with friends, or because everyone said they were easy. There is so much more I could have done with those 10 classes, but I didn’t.

So just because all of your friends are taking a class, or they swear that a class is easy don’t sign up for it unless you really want to take it. And remember, just because your friend thinks a class is easy doesn’t mean that you will. My class in Deviant Behaviours was a breeze for me, because I’ve studied things like that for years, so I recommended it to friends as an easy Sociology/Criminology class. Turns out they didn’t find it too easy, just like I didn’t find the  Comparative Politics class they recommended to be very easy. It all depends on your interests and your previous knowledge.

Make a Few Different Schedules

Chances are, the most popular and most needed classes will fill up fast. There is always a chance that the classes you want to take won’t be available when you get the chance to register. You need a backup plan for this.

Also, making up a few different schedules lets you see which classes work best together, time-wise. The kick-ass schedule you made in the beginning may not seem so awesome once you see how much better it could be if you mix a little of schedule two and a bit of schedule three in there.

Look at Your Workload

Classes can be broken down in different ways. At my old school, some are just one long 3-hour lecture, once a week. Others are 90 minutes, twice a week. Some have a lab component that meets once a week. Figure out which ones of those work best for you, and try to take as many of them as you can.

Look at the workload too, if possible. Some classes had multiple research papers, but no final exam, which made for a very busy semester, but less stress come exam time. Others had weekly labs due. Some were a combination of both. And others were nothing more than a midterm or two, and a final exam. If you know you can crank out papers like crazy, by all means take the classes with a lot of papers and no exams. If you prefer to take tests and are best studying under pressure, then stick with the exam-only classes. I always tried to take a combination of the two, so I’d be able to put my full focus into only two or three finals instead of five (once my papers were written).

Check Your Timings

One year in the fall semester, I somehow created the Monday from hell. Three hour lecture from 11:30 – 1:30, volunteer with the advising centre from 2:30-5pm, lecture from 5:30-7pm, and then a three hour lecture from 7-10pm. It was a long-ass day, and I rarely (if ever) made it through the whole day. I got grades in the A-range for the first two classes, because I was always there for them. But that 7-10pm class……. a solid C+. I went maybe half the time. In the whole day I got a one hour break after my first class (which I usually took in the campus cafe with a friend), and another half hour between volunteer and second class. I just couldn’t manage a schedule like that every week. The rest of the week was great though (my second class also ran on Wednesdays, and I had an awesome statistics class on Thursday evenings, plus a bunch of volunteer work), and I did great on everything that was not that 7pm class.  If you know you can’t handle a long day like that, then try your best not to plan one.

Another thing to look at it the amount of time you have between classes. Not only should you have enough time to get between your classes, but you should be able to do so without breaking out into an all-out sprint. My campus was relatively small, so a 10 minute break between two classes was usually good, if I planned well. I couldn’t do a full day with only 10 minutes between each class, though. Remember to factor in your travel time, time to use the bathroom and/or grab a snack, time to talk to your professors if you need to, and time for a damn break. You can’t go full-on for 12 hours a day, every day, without burning out.

And for crying out loud, watch those early morning classes. Yes, morning classes are unavoidable sometimes. But I don’t know how many people I’ve known over the years who tried to take a bunch of morning classes to try and get used to an 8-5 schedule. I’ve even heard some advisers tell students that this is a great idea. Well I went from a 9-5 job into my career as a university student, and this crap doesn’t work. As a career woman, I was up early everyday, showered and ready for work, sitting at my desk with my cup of coffee at 8am from Monday to Friday. I was already on that schedule. School is NOT like that. I couldn’t handle 8am classes if my life depended on it. Because of the unique schedules and lifestyles of students, I’ve always found this advice to be crap. Don’t go signing up for all 8am classes, unless you absolutely have to.

Of course there will always be other things that influence your class choices too. Maybe you need to work around your work schedule. Maybe you want to take classes with a particular professor that you love, or avoid one particular professor that you hate. Maybe you want to take classes with certain classmates, or specialize in a certain aspect of your major, or have no interest in other aspects of your major. There are a bunch of things that can and will influence your choices. All I’m doing here is trying to give you a little help. Good luck with class selection, sunshine!

Why I’m Writing This Blog

I went back to school at 25, part-time after work. At 26, I quit my job and went back to University as a full-time student. At that time, I was an office administrator and dispatcher, making decent money with benefits, had my own car and more than enough fun money to throw around. And my total debt was only a few hundred dollars in car repairs on a credit card.

Fast forward to now: I’m 33 years old, with a BA(H) in Criminology and will be receiving my BA in Psychology this summer. I work very, very part-time hours at a liquor store, because that’s the only job I can get right now. With $60,000 in student loans and coming close to $20,000 in credit card debt, I’m forced to live in a rented room in the same house as the boyfriend I’m desperate to leave. And I’m not the only one in a situation like this. Of my closest friends, only one found a “real job” after graduation, with the rest of us toiling away at whatever we can get to pay the bills.

Looking back on all that schooling and the last 7 years, I can see some of where I went wrong.  I can see some of where my friends went wrong. And it’s not always things that we can control, things that we are taught, or things that we are warned about. I know I can’t help everyone, that I don’t know the answers to everything, and that not everyone needs my help. But if I can help even one person to get their schooling on track, to get the credentials they need, to learn how to adult like a real grown-up, then at least I’ve helped them.