I’ve tried to start half a dozen new posts in the last few days, and nothing has come of them. I can get a paragraph, maybe two, into them and that’s it.
I just have no motivation right now.
Since I graduated from University, my motivation has just plummeted. I mean, I still get up every day, do my thang. I have my job search, my free online classes that I keep starting and never finishing, my housework………. but that’s it.
I used to craft. I used to write. I could write 8 12-page research papers in a matter of weeks, on top of constant reading, volunteering, and Buffy marathoning. I could research for hours, curl up in a ball and write all night, and still have the get-up-and-go to head off for drinks after that. I was a damn machine!
But lately……. I’m just blah. Honestly, I thrived on all of those deadlines. Knowing that things had to be done by a certain date and certain time gave me drive. I could manage dozens upon dozens of deadlines and projects at once. I had a scheduling system that encompassed a monthly calendar, a 4-month calendar, a day planner, a monthly task list, a weekly task list, and both daily and weekly to-do lists. And I loved it!
These days, though, I don’t have that. I have a decent job in customer service. It pays enough to kinda pay the bills. I’m looking for a second job, or a full-time job, but there’s no huge rush on that. I can manage for a while on what I’m doing.
There’s no structure for anything, though.
My job has an ever-changing schedule. Just today, my evening 5 hour closing shift got changed to a full-day 8 hour closing shift. I jump from closing to open to close support to afternoons all in a week sometimes. I can’t make a strict schedule for my time with my shifts jumping all over the place. I can’t say “I’ll get up and write every morning/every night before bed” when I don’t know when I’ll be waking up or going to bed. When I work a closing, I’m up later trying to unwind.
Add to that the fact that I have no deadlines. If I don’t update this blog, no one comes after me. There is no one demanding I update this. There is no negative consequences to not updating, other than losing the few readers I have. Basically, all of the structure I had forced on me before is gone, and I don’t know how to deal with that.
I’m not alone in this, either. I’ve talked to so many people who come out of school feeling empty, feeling lost, with no one there to tell them what to get done. I keep telling myself that I’ll make my own structure, that I’ll give myself deadlines, but it never works. I don’t have anyone else here to enforce them.
Anyone else out there in the Internet have this problem, Sunshine? Drop me a line, let me know how you deal with the post-grad lack of structure!