Our store doesn’t have a difficult layout when it comes to coming and going. If you walk in the main door and keep heading straight to the door marked “IN”, you’ll wind up inside the store via the automatic door. If you turn towards the door marked “DO NOT ENTER”, you’ll slam your damn face into the glass. Alternatively, if you pay for your booze at the checkout counter and then logically keep walking forward to the door marked “EXIT”, you’ll exit the store.
This isn’t rocket science. Small childs come into our store with their parents and even they can figure this out even though they can’t read yet. It’s logic so simple three-year-olds can manage it, and they’re still trying to eat gum they find on the sidewalk.
So why do so many people just turn off the logical part of their brains the second they hit our property? Why do so many people walk in that first door and think “let’s make this totally illogical left turn here towards the door marked “DO NOT ENTER” and then stand here with our thumbs up our asses wondering why the door doesn’t swing open for us!”
Ok, I guess entering the store can be a bit confusing, with the logical flow patterns and clearly marked doors and all. But in what world do you pay for your stuff, then push back through a line of customers to leave through a door clearly marked “ENTRANCE ONLY, NOT AN EXIT”? Why would any store be set up that way? Who in their right mind thinks “Well, there’s a door at the end of this counter that would be perfectly logically for me to exit through, so that can’t possibly be the exit. I better turn around, push my way through this crowd of people waiting to pay, even though not a single person did this in line before me, and then stand in front of that door that won’t open for me. Yeppers, that makes perfect fucking sense!”
Of course, these are some of the same fucking people who can’t follow basic ID laws either. If you touch it, talk about, exchange money with each other, say shit like “I’ll Venmo you $15 for this later”, or anything like that that makes us think you’re part of the purchase, you need your damn ID. It’s pretty damn simple.
“I’m only paying for it because I owe him money. None of this is for me.” If you walked into a car dealership and wanted to buy a car, but didn’t have a lisence, do you think they’ll let you drive off the lot? If you walked into a gun shop with a friend and tried to buy a gun without a lisence, and told the people behind the counter “it’s ok, I’m not buying it for me, I just owe someone money”, do you really think you’d be walking out of there with anything but a fresh load of embarassment from being laughed at hysterically in your face?
One time I watched a group of like 8 guys walk around the store with a shopping cart. Every single person was grabbing things off the shelves and putting it in the cart. They stood there arguing over what brand of vodka to buy, and what kinds of coolers to get. They stood at the end of my counter and all passed money to the guy in the front of the line. Then, seven of them tried to leave. When I tried to stop them for ID the stupid little shit holding the money took an attitude with me and was all, “I’m the only one buying this. None of them even drink! This is all for me, you can’t ID them because they’re leaving now anyway, so just sell me my stuff.”
You ever see those cartoons where someone gets mad and you can see the steam pouring out of their ears while their face turns red and they start vibrating before they explode. Buddy got the live-action version of that image that day, and you better fucking believe he left without his booze.
And while we’re talking about ID, why the hell do so many people come into the store with a picture of their ID on their phones and insist that we have to take it as valid ID? We’re not just checking the birthday on your ID, there’s a whole little list of things that need to be on there for us to take it. One of those things requires us to touch the damn ID to make sure it’s fucking real, you empty headed twat waffle!!! Telling us it’s all you have with you doesn’t change the ID laws, and it’s not changing our minds either. Yelling at us, getting an damn attitude with us, telling us you’ll leave and just get someone else to buy for you (and then like 90% of the time being fucking dumb enough to stand outside the store right under the fucking security cameras and giving your friend money to buy for you, who we then have to refuse because you’re too stupid to go home and either get your ID or have someone come back for your stuff), threatening us, or crying are not going to get you anything either.
Sugar, a picture of your ID will get you a picture of the booze, and unfortunately we don’t even allow you to take pictures in the store so you’re just fucked either way.
Even if you have what you think is ID it doesn’t mean we can take it. Show me where your birthday is on your student card. Where is the expiration date? What government issued this? Like I said, there are like half a dozen things we have to look for on your ID. If it doesn’t have these things, then we can’t take it. Doesn’t matter how much you pout, how much you beg, and much you threaten to tell my manager that I refuse to serve you when I legally fucking can’t.
Which makes me wonder why people argue with me anyway. Look fart knocker, I’m going my damn job. I get paid to make sure things are done legally, and we totally get checked on by mystery shoppers and stuff. Do you really think I’m going to risk my job because you give me sad eyes? There are like 4 people in this world with eyes beautiful enough for that to work on me, and three of them are celebrities. No random Kyle from Pennsylvania who came here to study and, like, totally has real ID back on campus but, like, mom said to never carry it around because Canadians are so, like, weird and stuff and might take it away or something: you still ain’t getting served.
Like more than half the time when I refuse someone they either give me attitude or just flat out get loud and yell at me for it. I get it, I come off as a complete bitch and don’t give a damn if I ruined your good time. Also, you are childs with overgroan child brains that are still growing. That’s why we have to check your ID, to see if you’re even old enough to buy this stuff that you’re totally going to find a way to get your hands on anyway. A tleast your alternative nefarious means of alcohol attainment leave my hands clean in the eyes of the law. You want to scream at me like a child, because you still have a child brain. That’s cool, come back at me once your prefrontal cortex has fully formed.
What gets me is grown-ass adults who feel the need to get all yelly at me for simple shit. Sorry Susan, I don’t know off the top of my head what red wine has some red in the label and your friend bought two bottles of last month. No Matt, I don’t know the price of every single can, bottle, box, multi-pack, and tetra pack in the entire store off the top of my head. I don’t know our exact stock numbers without looking them up, or what other stores have in stock. I can’t recommend a wine that bold and flavour forward, but subtle and fruity, with a high alcohol content but low sugars but doesn’t taste too dry, without looking that shit up somehow. And I cannot magically pull a spare cash register and counter out of my ass and start ringing people through in the middle of the aisle because you don’t feel like waiting for the 3 people ahead of you to buy their beers.
And why do people seem to think that because I’m standing somewhere in the store, I can just magically ring them up? Like I can be walking through the aisle with my arms full of cardboard and someone will come up to me and say, “are you open”. Open to what, exactly? Open to dropping everything at that exact moment to serve you? Open to conjuring up a magical register out of nowhere to ring you out on? Open to running off into the sunset together hand-in-hand?
And that doesn’t even get into the people who come up to a cash register that is close and ask “are you open?”. Like we put out a sign, there is a barricade-type strip pulled across the lane. Once, we had the receipt printer pulled apart on the counter while who of us dicked around with flashlights and a multitool to try and unfuck it, and still people wanted us to cash them out right then and there! Usually a “closed” sign means something is fucking closed!
This is all just random customer service shit that boils up inside of me and randomly comes out behind people’s backs. But the boss says I’m not allowed to flip people off when they’re not looking, because it looks bad on camera, so I need another outlet to vent my frustrations.