Things I Shouldn’t Have to Tell My Grown-Ass Roommates

As you all know, I live with roommates. Since I moved out to go to university, I’ve lived with more than 30 different roommates in a handful of places. With the exception of one girl who moved out of her mom’s house and then lived here for almost 3 whole months before moving back home, none of those roommates have been on their own for the first time when they lived with me. For the most part, these were grown-ass adults who had lived on their own for years before we crossed paths. The majority of my roommates were my age or slightly younger, but I’ve lived with a few older folk in my day. Hell, one roommate was the same age as my parents.

Now, in all of those years, I’ve had to say some pretty ridiculous things to these roommates. Now, keep in mind that these are grown-ass adults. I cannot stress enough that these are grown-ass adults I’m dealing with here. If these were young kids living away from home for the first time, and their parents did everything for them before they moved out, then I’d somewhat understand having to say some of these things. But these are grown-ass adults. These are people who have had careers and apartments, and through some strange quirk in the universe wound up at the university here and lived under the same roof as me after all that. These are people who should know better.

So, without further adieu, I give to you my first installment of Things I Shouldn’t Have to Tell My Grown-Ass Roommates

  1. Clean out the mesh hair trap in the shower. Otherwise, all the gunk that’s trapped in there just clogs it up and makes the water pool at your feet.
  2. Don’t blow your nose in the shower. Snot clogs the mesh hair trap
  3. Don’t jerk off in the shower. There is now jizz clogging the mesh hair trap, and I sure as hell am not cleaning that.
  4. Don’t turn on the AC if it’s not hot out, and then wear a sweater in the house.
  5. 65F is not hot.
  6. Seriously, buy a small fan. It’s not hot out.
  7. An industrial fan is NOT a small fan!
  8. Seriously, the cat is covered in fur. I’m not about to let him overheat. If he can stand the heat, we can too.
  9. Why the hell would you turn on the AC and a space heater?
  10. It’s a bedroom. Not even a huge bedroom. It’s just a small room full of your stuff. How many damn space heaters do you need?
  11. The house isn’t soundproof, and neither are the walls between our rooms.
  12. It’s like 69F in here. You don’t need three fans and the AC on!
  13. How do I know about the fans? Because the damn house isnèt soundproof and they are loud as hell!
  14. Also, I can hear you boning in there.
  15. Either that girl is delusional and really thinks your name is God, or she’s faking. Take your pick.
  16. It’s not my fault the garbage truck woke you up. It’s 3pm, and you stayed up all night smoking weed and watching movies. Deal with it.
  17. Pubes are hair! Clean them out of the damn mesh hair trap!
  18. That little knob you use to turn the oven on…. it works the other way too. Turn the oven off when you’re done.
  19. Same goes for the stove.
  20. And the lights.
  21. And the sink.
  22. Basically, anything you can turn on, you can turn off again when you’re done.
  23. If you drop food on the floor, pick it up.
  24. If you spill sauce on the floor, pick it up.
  25. Same goes for drinks.
  26. Seriously, this is some basic stuff here. Clean up your damn mess.
  27. Crumbs = bugs. Do you want to live with bugs? No? Then clean up your damn mess!
  28. I’m pretty sure when you thaw chicken breast, you don’t have to leave it out on the counter for 4 days.
  29. Ok, your cat has now pulled the chicken breast off the counter and is trying to pull it out of the plastic wrap on the kitchen floor. Pretty sure that chicken is done for.
  30. Are you seriously eating the 4-day old chicken breast the cat was licking an hour ago?
  31. If you’re going to use the oven or the stove, then freaking use it! Don’t put food in there and fo read a book, or take a shower, or go down for a nap. That’s how things burn and fires start!
  32. If your food is black, crispy, and sticking to the pan, you burned it.
  33. If the kitchen is filling with smoke, your food is burning.
  34. If the cat is sitting in front of the oven and yowling, you took your food out but left the oven on. Congratulations, my cat is now smarter than you.
  35. Bacon grease splatters. Clean it up when you’re done.
  36. Same goes for hot oil
  37. How about you just clean up any food you splatter on the stove?
  38. And since we mentioned bacon, you can’t just dump bacon grease down the drain. When it cools, it solidifies and will clog the drain. Then it attracts bugs, and it stinks.
  39. Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrape your solidified exploded chili and cheese out of the insides of the microwave? Just wipe it out after you use it.
  40. No, I don’t mean “remind me to scrub the microwave the next time you see me using it”. I mean wipe up your own damn mess when you make it!
  41. Why is my wet laundry sitting on the basement floor, covered in centipedes?
  42. What the hell made you think you could put double loads in both the apartment’s free washing machines, and then throw them together in the tiny dryer for 20 minutes, and expect them to be dry?
  43. Better yet, why the hell did you take the soaking wet clothes out of the dryer, bring them home, and leave in your hamper?
  44. That smell? It’s the mildew on your clothes. That’s what happens when you leave wet clothes in the hamper for 6 weeks.
  45. How long are you going to leave your wet clothes in the washer?
  46. Why the hell are you yelling at me for putting your wet clothes in the dryer? They’ve been sitting in the washer for eleven days!
  47. Again with the mesh hair trap! If it’s too big to fit through the tiny mesh there, then it’s going to clog it and you need to empty it. Your toenails are definitely too big to fit through there. Get rid of them.
  48. Ok, when the landlord says that I’m the only one allowed to touch the thermostat, that means that YOU don’t touch it! Period!
  49. Access to the internet is a privilege. It’s in my name, so I make the rules. Just because you pay a fee, which amounts to a very small portion of the total monthly bill, doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, especially if it’s going to get me into trouble.
  50. Ok seriously, stop illegally downloading MMA fights and porn. I totally know it’s you doing it.
  51. Well, I’m not the one downloading this crap. That means it’s either you or the damn cat, and I’m pretty sure the cat isn’t into Big and Busty Housewives of Macomb County IIV.
  52. Why is your pee on the floor?
  53. Seriously, there’s pee on the floor. I sit down to pee, so we both know it’s not mine. Clean up your damn pee!
  54. While you’re at it, you could work on the skid marks you left in the toilet. I really don’t need to be looking at your poop remnants.
  55. I rent a room here, just like you. The landlord is the guy you pay rent to, who made you sign the lease. We are two different people.
  56. Stop trying to give me your rent. It says right in the lease how to pay the landlord, and it in no way involves giving me money.
  57. Ok if I don’t collect the rent from you, then I definitely can’t give you a rent receipt. Talk to the landlord about that.
  58. Yes, the landlord lives in a whole different province, and the internet is in my name. The landlord and I are still two separate people though,
  59. Ok, I don’t care how much you try to intimidate me. No matter how convinced you are that you can kick my ass, that still does not change the fact that I am NOT the landlord, and cannot write a rent receipt for you.
  60. Stop stealing my food from the fridge.
  61. That doesn’t mean “replace all of my food with your food”.
  62. Ok, you’ve now completely filled the fridge with meat. I guess that means you won’t be stealing my vegetarian protein meat substitutes.
  63. Why are you yelling at me because you don’t like the taste of “mushroom soy veggie meat”? That’s mine, so that shouldn’t bother you.
  64. Seriously, stop complaining because you don’t like my food. If you weren’t stealing my food, then you wouldn’t know you don’t like it.
  65. Ok, when you complain that my food tastes like crap, you’re basically screaming “Hey, I’m stealing your food and eating it when you’re not around!” Stop denying it.
  66. If you throw raw meat on the counter, you’ve got to scrub that counter down and sanitize it.
  67. “Sanitize it” doesn’t mean wipe it down with a rag or a damp sponge. Use some cleaner or bleach or something!
  68. No, you can’t sanitize the chicken after the cat licked it. Maybe you shouldn’t leave it out for 4 freaking days.
  69. No, even bleach won’t work on your chicken.
  70. So yeah, the kitchen isn’t the only common area. If you use a space, clean it up.
  71. Why are there take-out coffee cups all over the living room?
  72. Ok, there is mold in the freaking coffee cups! How did long did you leave them in there?
  73. Ok, I know we had a floor in here the other day. Now there’s just pizza boxes, McDonald’s bags, and empty beer cans. What the hell happened?
  74. Your room is too hot because you closed off all the vents in there, maybe?
  75. Vents aren’t closed? Well then maybe there’s something blocking them.
  76. Ok dude, seriously? I can’t see your damn floor. There are layers of clothes and garbage. Ever thank that might block your vent?
  77. That case of iced tea that’s been sitting on the vent for months is probably what’s blocking the damn vents.
  78. It’s winter now. Not only is that iced tea all going bad from sitting on a hot vent, it’s now officially a fire hazard!
  79. If you put a pan of bacon grease in the bottom of the sink and then fill the sink with water, the water is going to be full of bacon grease.
  80. Anything you try to wash in that water is just going to get coated in bacon grease.
  81. Why are my coffee mugs so slippery? You used the bacon grease water again, didn’t you?
  82. What do you mean “when is the landlord delivering more dish soap”? Cleaning supplies are not included in the rent. We buy our own stuff here.
  83. No, most landlords do not deliver dish soap. Or cleaning products. Or vacuum bags. Or ziplock bags. What the hell kind of landlords did you have before?
  84. The room comes furnished if you want it to. You knew that when you viewed the room, and it says so in the lease. So what do you mean “what’s all that furniture doing in my room”?
  85. It comes with the furniture in the room. Or we can move it out of the room for you. If we move the furniture out, then the room isn’t furnished anymore. It’s not a hard concept.
  86. Why the hell would the landlord let you pick out all new furniture, and then buy it for you? That’s not what “comes furnished” means!
  87. Sure, send the landlord a copy of the Ikea catalog. I’m sure that will totally change her mind and she’ll buy you all new furniture. And then, we’ll take all the old furniture and use it to build a rocketship to go colonize Mars.
  88. Why the hell would you think you could take the landlord’s furniture with you when you move out?
  89. No, the furniture isn’t yours now that you’ve used it. People used it before you too. They didn’t try to take it with them when they moved out!
  90. That beeping sound coming from your smoke detector? It’s the low battery warning. Same thing it was this morning when you asked me what that beeping sound coming from your smoke detector was.
  91. No, the house isn’t on fire. Usually, when the smoke detector beeps and then says “low battery”, that’s a sign that the battery is low.
  92. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that changing the battery might stop that “low battery” beep.
  93. Why is the laundry tub full of dishes?
  94. Ok, how long are those dishes going to sit in the laundry tub?
  95. Is that my favourite tea mug floating in the laundry tub? The one you swore you have never seen in your life and had no idea where it had gone to?
  96. No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t go downstairs and put my mug in the laundry tub. I use the kitchen sink for dishes, like everyone else in the damn house.
  97. No, you can’t use laundry detergent to wash your dishes, even if you wash them in the laundry tub.
  98. No, you can’t use Ivory soap and shampoo if you wash your dishes in the bathtub either.
  99. Seriously, dish soap really isn’t that hard a concept!
  100. Ok, why the hell is there 3 days worth of food clogging up the damn mesh trap in the bathtub drain?
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Random Things I’m Good At

Well, today has just been a bizarre day. Our closer is out sick, so another closer who was on days took the closing, bumping me to a day shift to cover her morning. We usually have a truck come Friday mornings before the store opens, but it was late today. Like, really late. Around four hours late. I guess it got stuck in the loading dock of the first store it went to for the day, and they had to unload everything off of it into that store, and then transfer it all into a new truck somehow to be delivered to other stores. So instead of running around unloading boxes off of skids like I love to do, I was on cash for most of my shift.

I finally got my schedule straightened around for next week, though. Kind of….. Well, one co-worker isn’t able to work days anymore and was on days all week. I was closing most of the week and was able to switch a bunch of shifts with him so he could have my nights and I can have his days. This finally cleared up some time in my schedule to get in to see my doctor, the one week I can’t have an exam. Go figure, eh?

The rest of the day so far has just been peachy keen. The bras and cat ears I ordered on clearance arrived, and everything fits perfectly. The always adorable Bowser Kitten is nicely curled up on the bed, which is not sporting some snazzy grey flannel sheets. I’m almost done the second season of Bob’s Burgers. And I made a big pot of soup yesterday, and am going to slice up some beef really thin in a bit. I’m going to marinate that beef for about an hour in whatever random stuff I decide on last minute. Then I’ll sear it, add a bit to some hot soup with an egg on top, and use the rest for some fancy-ass sandwiches for myself and the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend. He always seems to like when I do random stuff like that in the kitchen. I have no clue what I’m really doing, but things turn out pretty damn good most of the time. It’s just one of those random things that I’m really good at sometimes: grabbing random stuff from the kitchen and somehow turning it into a delightfully edible meal. I make a mean casserole, some pretty good marinades, and have yet to mess up a chicken dinner.

Earlier this week I gave you a list of things I’m just plain no good at. Once again, this is inspired by YouTube Queen Jenna Marbles, who did a video about just random things that she’s always been awesome at. She recommended making a list of things that you’re really freaking good at and taping it to your wall or sticking it to your fridge. Everyone has those days where everything sucks, and you hate the world, and you just want to smash everyone you meet in the face with a shovel. Days like that it’s nice to have a reminder that not everything sucks, that there’s a tonne of things out there that you’re good at and that add value to your life.

So here is my list of things I’m actually pretty damn good at.

1. Halloween Makeup

Yes, I know this is a pretty random thing. But around Halloween, I upped my festive game and started painting my face up a bit to go with my ever-growing collection of tiny festive hats. I did green witchy eyes for Witch-tastical Wine Wednesday, a pirate hat and some smokey eye for Thursday and Friday, full-on cat face for Cat Saturday, a stitched-together doll look for Sunday, some red eyes for Devil’s Night on the Monday, and Chucky from the Child’s Play series (from Bride of Chucky forward, where he’s all stitched back together) on Halloween itself. I did all of this with just regular makeup, with a few last minute eyeshadows from the dollar store. No Halloween makeup, no makeup kits, nothing fancy. Just some eyeshadow, lipsticks, and eyeliners to work with. People ranted and raved about the makeup job I did most of those days, for some reason.

For most of my looks, I just looked at a bunch of pictures on Pinterest. Last year, when I did the spooky doll with giant eyes (where you draw your lower lid farther down on your cheek and throw fake eyelashes there), I watched a bunch of YouTube tutorials to figure out parts of it. It really wasn’t that hard for me to get the hang of.  A few other people I know saw the job I’d done and tried to do the same thing, but just couldn’t get it right. Apparently taking eyeliners and some cheap eyeshadow and turning myself into a patchwork doll is a real skill of mine. Which leads me to my next point…..

2. Helping People Find Good Things About Them

One of my favourite regulars came the day before Halloween to say hi and check out my makeup for the day. Her, the work BFF and I were chitchatting about my makeup and how I did it, and she just blurts out, “I wish I could do that! I’m not good at anything!” Well, a few more minutes of chatter and I found out that not only can this woman knit and crochet, but she’s done a whole freaking lot of it in her time. I let her know that I have been trying to learn both of those skills for years, and could never get the hang of them. She left with a smile on her face, laughing about how she was more creative and “fancy” than the “tiny hat girl”.

I just genuinely like to point out things that people are good at somehow. I compare people to fictional characters to point out common awesome traits, flat out compliment people for random things I notice and make sure to tell the people closest to me what I like about them as often as possible.

3. Excel Spreadsheets

So I took a class in Microsoft Office more than a decade ago when I was in college. Most of it was pretty basic, but Excel was really kicking our asses for some reason. I could grasp the whole “enter numbers into a spreadsheet” thing that we needed to do to pass the class. It was all the other things it can do that were messing me up. Like I could throw in formulas, and make charts and graphs, and colour-code things, and all sorts of fancy-ass stuff. It was too much for my little brain to handle at the time.

Fast forward to university. One of the professors I’m working for asks me to do a little data entry for her. Somehow this newer version of Excel suddenly makes every tiny thing a billion times easier for me. I inputted her data, ran her numbers, made a few charts and graphs to show a few things, and even made everything look super pretty. When I graduated, I took some Microsoft classes at a local computer centre. I got my advanced certificate in Microsoft Excel, which I later found out is equivalent to a Microsoft Level 3 certification. In other words, I learned like everything there is to learn about Excel.

Sometimes just for fun, I play with Excel. It’s one of the nerdier things I like to do in my spare time. Lately, I’ve tried using OpenOffice software too, and am trying to get used to the difference between that and Microsoft. I don’t know why I just really like spreadsheets.

4. Multi-tasking Relaxing

This drives the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend crazy sometimes. I can curl up on the couch with a snack, a puzzle book, a reference book, my phone, my tablet, a notebook, a pen, and still watch some Gordon Ramsay without missing an insult. To top it off, I can do this all with a drink in my hand and find it relaxing.

I just have a lot of little things that I find relaxing. I love to read. I love to play games on my phone or on the tablet. I love Buzzfeed quizzes, and Chive albums about cats, and cryptograms. I love being able to write things down off the top of my head to work with later. All of these things, in some way, relax me. So why limit myself to just one thing at a time? If I find it relaxing to do a cryptogram, and then play some Homescape, then make a few notes for the blog, then that’s how I’ll relax. I call it Multi-tasking Relaxing.

5. Cryptograms

My grandpa taught me how to do these when I was a kid. Every day there’s a crypto-quote in our daily newspaper, and he’d do it. These puzzles are where you replace all of one letter with another letter, for all the letters. I know, that’s a horrible explanation. Like the name “TheFailedGrownUp” becomes “SrpXctvpbOzmqyHg”. Every letter is replaced by another, and you can see that both ‘e’s became ‘p’s in the cipher.

This is the type of puzzle that the Zodiac Killer used to write to the San Fransisco Chronical and to the SFPD. He used symbols in place of letters though, sometimes using more than one symbol for each letter. His finally cryptic letter has never fully been deciphered. I’m nowhere near his level of these, but I’m still pretty good. In fact, somewhere in my parents’ basement is the medal I won from a cryptogram competition in 7th grade.

Yes, I have a cryptogram medal and love to make spreadsheets. Shut up.

6. Watching Security Camera Footage

Ok, I think I’m good at it because I just love catching shoplifters.Well, that and the fact that when I use the security cameras, it almost feels like I’m really putting my Criminology degree to work. When some of my coworkers get suspicious of someone acting all weird in the store or hanging out in the areas of the store all the pros go to in order to stash things in their bags or clothes, they call me into the office to track these people down real fast. I can track down people in seconds, follow their movement through the store, backtrack on their prior movement, and even bookmark data and write up all the reports for the police.

For me, it’s fun. I love standing there at the screen, clicking from view to view, controlling the time bar. I’ve caught people shoving things in their backpacks, their purses, their shopping bags, their coats, and even their pants. My dream at this point is to catch someone in the act and get on the PA system of the store:

Attention shoppers. Please be reminded that shopping carts and baskets are provided for your convenience. Please you these and not your reusable bags. Please do not shove product down your pants, like the gentleman in the whiskey aisle is doing right now.

Also, could the gentleman in the blue jeans, red hoodie, and black ball cap please remove the four bottles of whiskey from his pants and place them on the floor in the corner where he is currently standing in the back corner in the whiskey aisle. An associate will be by with Clorox wipes and rubber gloves to disinfect all bottles and bring them to the back to check for any contamination. Thank you.

We have a few regular shoplifters, some of whom we even know by name at this point. I would love to catch one of them like this someday!

7. Holiday Spirit

So you know I have a small collection of things to wear on my head for Halloween. It’s my way around the store’s dress code. My manager loves it and loves the fact that customers are so into it too. People come in just to check out what I have on for the day sometimes.

I do this for all holidays if I can, but especially for Halloween and Christmas. No, I’m not one of those people who turn on the Christmas music before the kids are even done trick-or-treating; you’re thinking of my mother. The woman has something like 14 indoor Christmas Trees, a big one on the porch, and every type of decoration imaginable. And this is after my parents’ basement flooded, ruining 7 or 8 giant bins of decorations. I’m not that hardcore. In fact, I don’t start decorating until the end of November. Every year for my mother’s birthday near the end of November, we go on a Christmas Homes Tour out in the county with my sister, aunt, and cousin. We look at homes all done up with fancy decorations, stop at a really cute church for fresh baked goods and to see no less than 40 nativity scenes on display, move on to a winery for samples and cookies, and end the day at the coolest random store full of random things. I do some Christmas shopping, we buy a lot more wine, and then I come home to the always waiting Bowser Kitten and Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend for the night.

The very next day, Christmas season starts for me. We pull out the tree, throw on Christmas shirts and Santa hats, do some arts and crafts, and watch National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Hell, I can recite the movie for you if you haven’t seen it before. I have more cranium accessories for the season, and can’t wait to pull them out. I even got some leftover Halloween hats to transform into Christmas hats!

In my little pile of Things Technically Allowable by The Corporate Dress Code, I also have a St. Patrick’s Day hat (which makes me look like a fat Magenta from Rocky Horror Picture Show), a broken Easter egg headband (I will rebuild it, stronger and better), and maybe half a dozen pairs of cat ears for those in between times when there isn’t a holiday coming up but it’s Saturday and you want to celebrate Cat Saturday. Basically, I go all-out.

It’s not just headgear either. I watch the movies and TV specials for the season. I get little gift bags for my co-worker’s younger kids. I pile on all the cheer I possibly can into each and every holiday. Some would say I use the excuse of holiday cheer to hide the fact that on the inside I’m a dark and empty pit of despair who sees no reason to get up in the morning most days. But what do they know?

8. Entertaining Myself

If I could stay at home and just daydream all day, I’d be perfectly happy. Standing at my till, at work, I dance around and sing to myself.  I can doodle hours away if I need to. Give me a few free hours of nothing, no matter how little there is around me to do, and I’ll find a way to keep myself amused.

I have spent an entire slow night at work, after all the facing is done and I’m left on cash alone while the shift leader works on paperwork or orders or whatever goes on in the office at night, just standing around running imagined scenarios through my mind. I create worlds, and characters, and entire stories. I imagine my life if I had done even one tiny thing differently. There is no limit to what my mind will do to keep me entertained when there is nothing else possibly left to do.

Well, that’s a very short list of some of the things I’m good at. Other quick things I’m good at include: learning drink recipes, differentiating between chip brands while blindfolded, making lists, playing fetch with the somewhat puppy-like Bowser Kitten, walking, making schedules, and collecting beauty products. Is there anything you’re particularly good at? Go write it down! Make a list, keep it ready for when you need a pick me up! True, when a day has fully gone to shit the idea of being good at solving cryptograms alone can’t help me. But seeing that on a list with a bunch of other random stuff, knowing that there are things I can do that others around me can’t, is a huge ego boost when I need it most.

Sometimes People Suck

Well, this has been a doozy of a weekend at the store, Sunshine! We opened two hours late yesterday, in order to observe a time of silence and honor our troops on Remembrance Day. Then today, somehow the world forgot our store hours even though they’ve been the same since April 1st. We’re open 11am until 6pm every damn Sunday and open until 9pm on Saturday. None of that changed this weekend, and people just couldn’t wrap their heads around that. We were getting so many phone calls the last two days that I was put in charge of answering the phone. An hour into my shift yesterday and already I had answered at least half a dozen “are you guys open” calls.  There were a few real gems in there though.

Caller: Hey there, are you guys open today?

Me: Yes, we’re open until 9-o-clock tonight.

Caller: Great. And what time do you close?

Seriously, a call went like that. My poor work BFF was standing next to me, and only heard my side of the conversation. “Yes, we’re open until 9-o-clock. We close at 9-o-clock tonight. Yes, 9pm. No, 9. Nine tonight. Ok, thank you, bye.” Most of the rest of the calls were basically just, “I drove by and saw the open sign was on/people were in the store/ my husband came home with whiskey, does that mean you’re open?”

A lot of the people I work with don’t like taking calls like that. I get the biggest kick out of it, though. I take my phone duties very seriously and was freakin sprinting through the store to get the phone last night. Today, I could answer a call before the first ring was barely done ringing. Stuff like that just gives me a silly little break to my day. Some people think that nothing can bother me if I find calls like that funny.

THey’re wrong. Dead wrong.

[Cue ominous music]

There are so many things that customers do that bother me. Like, I turned to my co-worker today and told her it must be near closing time because I was getting unreasonably angry about things customers were doing and saying. It wasn’t, the customers were just that annoying. In any job you have to deal with annoying people, I keep telling myself. This is no different, except that they stick around for a much shorter period of time than an annoying co-worker in an office would.

Do any of these things bother you two? Are there things customers do that annoy the ever living crap out of you? Here’s a list of just the very basics, the most common, the things that we have to deal with far too often that annoy the sweet candied horse plops out of me.

  1. Very stinky people. Our store is next door to a gym. For some reason, customers feel the need to have a very intense workout, sweat out days worth of booze, garlic, hot sauce, and cigars (from the smell of it), and then come directly to our store in all their stinky, sweaty glory. Then they get offended if we spray FeBreez after they leave.
  2. My hand is right there in front of you, waiting for you to drop your change and/or bills into. Instead, you throw your money down on the counter. Bonus points if it’s a wet day, you had your bag or umbrella up there first, and you throw the money down in a puddle that makes it impossible for me to pick it up off the metal counter unless I slide everything over to me, and dump your damn puddle water all over my pants.
  3. Most people will at least tell the person they’re talking to, “I need to pay, hold on just a second” and pay me. Most people. Unless it truly is an emergency, why do you need to keep yammering away into your phone? I don’t care if Crystal bought the same couch as you. Why do I need to hear about what a bitch she is for copying your style, which you just copied from an Ikea catalog anyway? Bonus points if you’re on your phone and then get mad at me for not asking for your points card, even though I did ask. You just didn’t hear me over your whole couch conundrum on the phone.
  4. I need to push a different button on my register for debit and for credit card payments. That’s why I ask what kind of card you’re paying with. No, tapping it 37 times on the machine won’t magically make it read it. And no, saying “it’s a tap/ chip/ Scotiabank/ card” doesn’t clear anything up for me. If I ask you “debit or credit”, just pick one.
  5. And that whole payment thing happens AFTER I ring up your items.  You can’t pay for things until I ring them up. Throwing bottles on a counter, saying “credit”, and then tapping your card on the machine before I even get the chance to ring in a single bottle isn’t going to do anything.
  6. Cashback is a service we offer to people who are paying debit. We add an amount on to your total, and then give you that amount in cash after your card is approved. Why do you go through the process of putting your card in the machine, entering your PIN, taking your receipt, and start to walk away before you ask for cash back?
  7. And yes, you have to buy something in order to get cash back. You can’t just insert your card, push buttons, and get money without buying something. You’re thinking of an ATM, which we have a bunch of in the plaza. We’re a retail establishment. We’re in the business of selling stuff. You have to buy something to get cashback.
  8. Again, this is a retail establishment, not a bank. If you pay for a $7 purchase with a $100 bill, there is a good chance that I’ll have to give you some smaller bills for your change. It’s not like I keep a wad of $50 and $20 bills hidden away just in case you come in and want to flash your big bills at me. If you want a bill broken, go to a bank.
  9. Same goes for other businesses wanting to buy $5 bills and change off of us. There are three banks within walking distance of my store, 2 of them in the damn plaza. Go see them! We need our change for breaking the $100 bills for $7 purchases!
  10. Again, we’re not a bank. Yes, our cashback limit is $500 if we have it in our till. That doesn’t mean you can specify how you want your money. No, I can’t give you $500 in fifties and hundreds. There is a damn good chance your cashback will be entirely in $20 bills, possibly with $10 bills in there. There is even the chance I’ll be down to giving you $5 bills if that’s all I have. Don’t try to give me back my bills and demand a $100 bill. If I didn’t give it to you, then I don’t have it!
  11. I had a woman today tell me no less than 9 times that she needed two of her wines in one bag, and three in another bag. She was going somewhere and wanted to drop the three wines off at home, and bring the other two with her. She told me this 9 times to make sure I knew to put the two wines she put at one end of the counter in one bag, and the three wines all the way at the other end of the counter in another bag. She spoke very slowly the last few times she told me this. I know I looked tired and sick (because I am), but I can follow simple instructions.
  12. And yes, just because I’m a cashier doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I can ring through purchases, make change, do math, hell I can even read the damn labels! You’re the one who can’t figure out the self check out, Brenda, so don’t talk down to me when we’re on opposite sides of the counter.
  13. We have clearance tags that say SAVE $X.xx on them, right next to the the price. You could be saving $10.00 on a bottle of scotch, but it still costs $75.00. Or you could be saving $1.75 on a bottle of wine, but it still costs $9.00. If you misread the tag and think you’re getting the wine for $1.75, why are you getting mad at me for it? It says very clearly what you’re saving and what you’re paying. Just because you read it wrong doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. And just because you said “Wow, $1.75!” out loud when an employee was in your line of vision doesn’t mean that they heard you, or that they knew what product you were talking about. We have some really cheap things in our store too. For all we know, you could be talking about a cheap clearance beer or a wine stopper, if we even hear you in the first place, Brenda. Stop trying to make you not wearing your reading glasses in public our fault.
  14. We all have nametags. Don’t refer to us as “the redheaded bitch” or “the ditzy one” or “that fat guy”. Either read the tag or point us out. No need to insult us to another employee to try and make yourself look good.
  15. We know all the liquor laws when it comes to denying someone a sale. If someone ahead of you in line is getting denied, don’t stick up for them. We could lose our jobs AND get a huge fine and possibly even face jail time if we serve someone we shouldn’t. We’re trying to do our jobs here, and the shit we deal with when it comes to denying service is enough to warrant an entire post of its own.
  16. “It didn’t scan, I guess that means it’s free!” No, it isn’t. If you leave without paying for it, you’re stealing it.
  17. “Gee, I was worried. I just printed that $20 bill before I left the house, didn’t know if you’d take it!” You’re not funny. Do you know how many times I hear that? And how many fake bills we actually have to deny? And how much trouble we can get in if we do take a fake bill? Just don’t, man.
  18. We have to fake a chuckle at some pretty damn awful jokes sometimes. When we can’t even muster a fake giggle, then whatever you said is just plain wrong. That’s right, your racist jokes just make us uncomfortable. Same with the sexist comments, whether they’re about us or anyone else.
  19. We get paid to be friendly. 99.9999% of the time, we’re not flirting with you. I have only seriously ever flirted with one customer, and he is now my Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend. That’s one out of the tens of thousands of people who came through my line that year. One. If I smile, it’s because I have to. If I touch your hand, it’s because I was giving you back your change or your ID, not because I was hoping you’d take my hand brushing up against yours for a tenth of a second as some sort of flirtatious action meant to make you want me. No, I don’t want your number and no, I don’t wanna give you mine, and no I don’t wanna meet you nowhere and no, I don’t want none of your time. Honey, I’m looking like class and you’re looking like trash trying hit on some poor cashier.
  20. Those goes triple if you’re like 50 and trying to flirt with my 20-year-old co-workers. I will call you out on that shit man. I’m very protective of my little kittens, and you’re just making them uncomfortable.
  21. Just because our hands grazed while I was giving you back your change, don’t wait outside the store until my shift ends. That is beyond creepy. Like, we will call the cops on you and I’ll have multiple escorts home to make sure you’re not following me.
  22. Same goes for if you threaten to kick my ass, or track me down, or mess me up because I wouldn’t serve you.
  23. There are cameras and mirrors EVERYWHERE. If I look you dead in the eye and say “do you want to pay for the bottle you shoved in your pants”, that means that a) I saw you shove a bottle in your pants, b) you are on camera shoving a bottle in your pants, and c) I just approached you near the door to make sure I could get you to look directly into a hidden camera so the cops have a good, clean image of your face. And we document EVERYTHING, dude.
  24. I have to ID people who look 25 or younger. If you’re very obviously in your 60s, don’t ask me why I didn’t ID you. Don’t try to guilt me into IDing you. Don’t tell me I’m making you feel old, or tell me 37 times that it’s weird that I didn’t ID you. You obviously look older than 25. Get over it, GreyBeard.

So that’s just the short list. You know there’s so much more to retail like that can get on your nerves. Luckily I’m not in a store that has stacks of clothing that can be destroyed in seconds, or those big bins of big rubber balls that internet folk kept diving into for ‘the lulz’. Are kids still saying for the lulz these days? Are lulz on fleek? I don’t know anymore. Kids these days, am I right?

So what kinds of customers really grate your goat cheese? Is there something you hear 37 times a day that just makes you want to rip off your ears and shove them in a blender? Or makes you want to shove parts of other people in a blender? Leave a comment, or you can send me your retail horror stories at TheFailedGrownUp@gmail.com . I’m sure I’ll have another one (or 97) of these posts in the future. Let me know what you’re dealing with that I don’t have to at my little piece of retail heaven.

There’s Lots of Things You NEED to Keep

Sometimes I like to mentally remodel the house I’m sharing with all these random roommates, and imagine it’s a house all of my own just for me. I’d move into the front bedroom, and tear down the wall between that and our office to turn the office into a giant walk-in closet. Then the room we’re using as our bedroom could be my office, where I’d have a wall of bookcases and a bunch of filing cabinets. And it’s the filing cabinets that really excite me.

Yes, I know how strange that sounds. My life is pretty sad at times.

But I keep finding out that there are things in life that you just NEED to keep, and I’m running out of room in my DollarTree accordion file folder for it all.

Some things are pretty straight-forward. I mean, you know you should be keeping your tax returns, right? Other things, I’m learning as I go. I mean, do you have a file on each of your past jobs? I know I sure as hell don’t (even though I definitely know that I should. I am still a procrastinating little turd when it comes to this). I know I should be keeping files on a whole lot of things, like my mother does. She is the only person I know who has a file marked “Cheques from Nigerian Princes” in her cabinet, and it actually has multiple cheques from email scammers who said they were Nigerian Princes.

I don’t think I need a Nigerian Prince folder though.

So what do I need? Probably the same things you need”

  1. Taxes. This isn’t just a file folder of your tax returns, either. You should have multiple files (those accordion file folders at dollar stores are great for this), with a file for each year. That includes this year. Use this to keep track of documents, receipts, emails, whatever else you need for your next tax return. And keep this stuff. Most tax preparers suggest keeping your tax documents for 7 years, in case you’re ever audited.
  2. Leases, rental agreements, mortgage papers. Anything that deals with you paying money in order to live somewhere. Keep all your papers, even after you  move, for a few extra years. You never know when you’ll have a dispute over some ancient crap with an old landlord, you need an example of a document to go off of, or you need to teach someone how to read  one (which I’ll go over for you another day).
  3. Jobs. Ideally, you need a separate file for each job. You need to keep track of your start date, your end date, the dates of any promotions, awards, or serious goals reached. Keep track of your managers, their managers, close co-workers, co-workers you had to work closely with, and all of their contact info. Keep track of salary, raises, bonuses, and any sort of performance-based prizes you won. And do this for everything, every job you have, every volunteer position you take, everything.
  4. Ok, you know all that detailed and useless sounding crap I made you keep for each job. You’re going to need that for everything. Keep track of every address you live at, how much you pay at each place, who your landlord is and how to contact them. Keep track of roommates and when they move in/out. Keep track of your moving dates, lease signing dates, and any changes to your lease. Track any issues you have with each place that the landlord should take care of, that you have to take care of, that involve calling the police because some random-ass kids decided to draw penises all over your house and lawn furniture and dig holes in the yard on your 30th birthday.Track ALL of it!
  5. You probably have bills. Phone bills, car bills, hydro bills, electricity bills, tuition bills. Keep them. Keep your tuition bills until you’re waaaay graduated and everything is paid off. Keep your monthly bills for a good 6 months, in case of any disputes. Keep annual-ish bills like your property tax bill for 7 years, just like your taxes.
  6. All those important papers that you look at and think, “Well, I’ll probably need this again some day. I’d better put it somewhere I can find it”. I keep Bowser-kitten’s vet papers and shots records in a file. The warranty on my mattress is filed. Paperwork from work about pensions and work pay-scales are filed. If it’s important and you think you could ever possibly someday need it again, make a file for it.

I know, this seems like a lot. But you have no idea how hard it is to find this info when you are looking for it and it isn’t right there at your fingertips.

For example, I had to go through a really super-intensive background check for a job I had applied for and went through hell trying to qualify for. *spoiler alert: I didn’t get it* After three interviews, a typing test, spelling and grammar test, math test, TWO psychological exams, and a medical physical, I had to have a private investigator go through my entire life and check out every little detail. I had to give the addresses for every single place I lived at for the last 15 years, every job (both paid and voluntary) I’ve held in the last 15 years including managers names and contact info, 4 professional references and 4 personal references, and the names, addresses, phone numbers, and birth dates of every person in my immediate family. And I had 72 hours to get all of this together. Now, if you’ve worked the same job for 15 years and never moved, then it would be easy for you to get this together. In just the 5 1/2 years I was in university, I had 6 different addresses (if you count my parent’s place and that place I hadn’t even unpacked at yet before they kicked us out so their kids could move in instead). In one semester, I volunteered at 8 different organizations and dozens of events, and held down two on-campus jobs each year. And that’s just 5 1/2 years of the 15 years they needed! Now, if I had a freakin file on all of this crap, then I could’ve just copied out the info I needed and been done with it. Instead, I was basically awake for 72 hours calling family members, friends, and old co-workers to try and get the info I needed.

I know, it’s not fun or glamorous to sit around and put together files. Start slowly though. Gather up the things you need to file and throw them in a big box together. Sort through things, organize them a bit. Then, little by little, start filing them away so you know where everything is.

 

Well Sunshine, that’s all for today. It’s July 1st, which is Canada Day here. The Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend and I are getting ready to head over to my friend’s old frat for a BBQ and drinks. Found out last night from AAB that the guy living on the main floor with us is apparently moving out mid-way through the month, which means he and his girlfriend won’t be around anymore. One guy from the basement wants to move up here, so we’ll have a room for rent down there soon. And once this guy moves out, I can see how many freaking suitcases he actually has stored downstairs! I counted 9 huge suitcases (big enough for AAB to fit into each and every one of them) just thrown into our “storage area” down there. It’s a damn disaster. Once I get a little time off work (today is my first day off in 30 days!) I’ll have to clean things up a bit down there.

Enjoy your weekend, Sunshine!