My Motivation……?

So it’s no secret that I’ve been lacking in motivation for quite a long time now. When I was in school, I always had a bunch of things to work towards all at once, with goals laid out for me. Every class had a syllabus that laid out what was expected; my volunteer positions had specific goals to them from the very first day I started; my on-campus jobs basically came with a check-list of what needed to get done. I never had to sit down and think, “Ok, what goals should I be setting? What should I be working towards?”

In my second year of school, I picked a career path and started working towards that in school. After that, once that goal was set in motion….. I basically stopped. I took one crappy piece of advice after another, avoided making any real goals of my own, and just kept working towards whatever was laid out before me.

Then things fell to shit, and I’ve just never recovered.

To make a long story short, the career I was working towards changed their entry-level requirements. It was too late in my schooling to change my path, and I was in complete shock. I was recovering from a sudden and pretty serious illness, my career was snatched out of my hands before I came anywhere close to crasping it, and I was running out of time to collect student loans and afford to finish school.

What should I have done? Well, I should’ve started looking into what careers I was qualified for. I mean, a Criminology degree seems pretty specific, and I have no clue what to do with it. I should have sat down and figured out what the hell I was going to start working towards now that things had fallen apart.

Instead, I just kinda skated along. Once I graduated, I just started applying for whatever. I didn’t bother taking my education and looking at what I could do with it. Basically, I wasted years and years letting that one forced career change ruin me. Instead of picking my ass back up and getting it into gear, I just kinda laid down and gave up.

And now, I work Customer Service and run a cash register.

I let five years of working through school, fives years of volunteering, five years of on-campus work experience, just go to waste. I completely lost all my motivation to move forward in my life, and made no effort to get it back.

So here I am at 34 years old. I rent a bedroom in a student rental house owned by my ex-boyfriend’s family. My boyfriend and my cat live with me. For the summer, I’m working 6 days a week trying to bank up as many hours as I can before our store hours die off for the fall. I’m watching all of my friends my age (and even younger ones) get married, buy homes, have kids……. and I’m stuck here.

So I’m working towards that whole goal setting thing. I need to motivate myself, get my life back on track, and build a life for myself.

Well Sunshine, off to work yet again. The damn store isn’t going to close itself tonight.

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The Goal Setting Challenge

Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend has quite a bit of debt. Not as much as me (thanks Student Loans!!), but still quite a bit. When he moved in with me the beginning of the month, we agreed that I would handle all of the finances. Because you know, Criminology majors are known for their fancial prowress??

Considering how much debt I have (but how much effort I’ve put into making all my bill payments and paying some things off in the last few years), this is pretty much like the extremely near sighted leading the blind.  So, I’ve started to do what any responsible failed grown up would do: I’m marathoning Princess and anything else Gail Vaz Oxlade has put out on TV. I’ve got my little pad of paper here, taking notes on things she recommends to help people realize how much debt they’re in, and how they can get out of it.

A lot of it is simple: make a budget, get your credit report, have a resume. I’m good at these things. I’ve been working on a budget with AAB, and am pulling out old resume templates to show him the info I need to put a resume together for him. I even found where we can get our credit reports and scores, and am working on that for both of us.

The one challenge that always  stumps me, though, is the Goal Setting Challenge. The challenge itself is quite simple. Gail has the girls look at their life, and what they are doing to earn money. Quite a few of them have started and dropped out of a few different college programs, some are working the bare minimum amount of hours they can, and others just have absolutely no direction in their lives. So Gail has them sit down and look at what they want for a career, and how to set goals to achieve this. Some of them get to try out a career, others get a kick in the butt to go out and get a new job, and a few have gone on to get the requirements needed to advance in their current jobs.

That is where I get completely lost.

You see, since my goals and dreams fell apart years ago (THAT’S a long story for another day!) I’ve had one hell of a time trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life. That’s pretty much step one of setting a goal for this challenge: knowing what the hell your goal is!

I’ve been putting myself out there with resumes, but as time goes by since graduation it seems like I’m getting fewer and fewer responses. I have no clue what it is I want to do with my life if I could have a dream job. And even if I could figure that out, I have no clue how I could afford to go out and get qualified for anything. The career I’m in at the moment has absolutely no way for me to work harder towards advancement, because about 95% of all upward mobility is based on seniority (and I’m near the bottom of the bunch for that).

So what the hell do I do?

This is something I’ve been looking at for myself a lot lately, Sunshine. Basically, I’m a Lost Girl. As fun as that title makes it sound, it’s not all rooster crows and Bangarang here. I’m looking at having no career, no direction, and no purpose in life. It’s damn scary!

So, you’ll see a bit more from me about this whole goal setting thing while I try ot figure out how to make it work for me. And maybe soon, I’ll tell you about that whole “I had a career in mind and worked towards it, only for it to completely fall out from under me, leaving me kinda dangling here wondering what the hell I’m going to do with my life” story.

Maybe.

It’s Impossible to Schedule!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I absolutely love about my job. I have a bunch of regular customers who are awesome-sauce. My co-workers (for the most part) are like family now. It’s close enough that I can walk there.

I just wish I had a real schedule!

Does anyone else out there have this problem?

Take today, for instance. Last week, I was scheduled for the 4:15-9:15 closing shift for tonight. Over the weekend, that shift was changed to 12-5. Last night, our assistant manager noticed that we only have two people working in the morning for an almost one dozen skid delivery, and my shift was changed to 9-2. Mind you, this change happened around 8:45 (when we close at 9pm). Then, while I was making my dinner after work last night around 9:45, the assistant manager texts me and changes my shift AGAIN to 9-5:30pm.

Even when I get my schedule, I can’t make any real plans. I had to remind my boss a dozen times that I couldn’t work last Wednesday morning (got a closing shift instead) because I finally got a doctor’s appointment and couldn’t cancel again. I’ve had to cancel plans so many times the last few months, because the schedule changes so often and I have no real control over it.

And this is the time of year when I pick up most of my hours. In the winter, it’s so dead that I’m lucky to get 4 hours a week sometimes. Right now, I’m doing 25-30 hours a week (which still isn’t ideal, but it’s something while I look for a permanent job). So if the schedule changes and I already have plans, I can’t just give up a shift to keep my plans. I can’t afford that at all right now.

And I’m on closing shifts almost exclusively. Today, I picked up a morning shift (which I love!!!!). Next week is all closings. The following week I get one 3-8 and the rest are closings: same with the week after that. I wouldn’t really care, except I’m up around 5am every day when the Amazingly Awesome Boyfriend has to get up for work. There are days when I’ve already put in a 12 hour day of writing, cleaning, running errands, moving furniture, job hunting, and then more cleaning before I even leave for work. And then, by the time I get home, I have maybe 45 minutes (if I can bum a ride home from a co-worker; otherwise, it’s more like 15 minutes) to make and eat dinner, have a glass of wine to relax, wash my face, brush my teeth, feed and pet the cat, clean up the kitchen at the end of the day, check my emails, make lunches for the next day, and get to bed so I can be up again bright and early the next morning. Weeks that I work just closing shifts, I’m lucky to get 4-5 hours sleep some nights, and then can’t fall back asleep in the morning to save my life.

So Sunshine, is your work schedule driving you crazy? Crazy enough that you can’t even blog properly because you never know when you’ll be home, so you wind up with a notebook full of ideas but no time to type them (I hear that’s common).

Drop me a line, leave a comment, tell me your scheduling nightmares. Let’s all share the miserym so it’s a little easier to get through!

I Thought You Were Moving……

Well, the totally awesome and amazing boyfriend has officially moved in. We have all of his stuff here, and are slowly unpacking and going through things when we’re not at work. We’re cleaning the place up, he’s been working on the lawn and garden, and my Bowser Kitten has accepted him as a part of this household.

Only problem is, Jeff hasn’t moved out yet. He agreed to move into a friend’s place to manage that house after our friend and his fiance moved away for work. The agreement was he would move out of here and move in there May 1st, with his move being a little stretched out over a few weeks. He rented a big truck, picked up some furniture from his girlfriend’s parents, and took a loveseat from here. And that was it for weeks!

It’s now July. He still hasn’t moved out. Some things have been moved, some things have been packed, but nothing is finished. There is still no floor in his bedroom (it’s covered in garbage and randomness). His kitchen stuff (like food, utensils, and cookware) haven’t been touched yet. There are shoes and encyclopedias and jars of pasta sauce all over the place.

The best part of all of this? Last weekend, Jeff left for work. He’s been posted a few hours north of here for the summer, and doesn’t fully come back until sometime in the end of August. He randomly showed up here this weekend (and scared the collective crap out of AAB and I), and said he was home to move some more.  Instead, he had the girlfriend over for pancakes and sex. And that’s pretty much all he did for his 4 day weekend: things that do not involve pants.

Ok, to be fair, he did move a little bit. Our friend came to town and decided to come and help him out a bit. But it still barely put a dent in things. And all of his stuff is just piling up everywhere and really getting in the way.

AAB and I were supposed to spend the summer cleaning this place out. Instead, we’ve been waiting for Jeff’s mess to leave so we can figure out what needs to be cleaned. The basement is still a disaster here, but we don’t know what is garbage and what belongs to people.

All of this is really taking a toll on me mentally. I want to just be bale to get stuff done, be ready for new tenants in the fall, have a nice clean home I’m not ashamed to have people visit me in. Instead, I have this craptastical cluttered clusterfuck of a house, full of randomness and filth.All I can do is work on little bits of cleaning, and do some planning (measure rooms and furniture, move boxes around, etc). I’m going to go crazy!!!

So Sunshine, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because it’s damn hard to type with a straightjacket on. AAB and mum have both mentioned me having a breakdown soon from all of this, and I’m starting to believe them. But, and mum keeps saying, someday I’ll be able to look back on this and laugh.

Someday better get here pretty damn soon though.