And So It Goes…..

My living situation has become quite awkward. There are so many “I told you so” moments that SHOULD be happening right now, but I can’t say anything….. for reasons. I know you all don’t want to know the details of the relationship and break-up (that’s what my Tumblr blog is for), but it has so many teachable moments in it!

I’m going to try not to ramble on about it much, but I will be using it as an example of many, many things that I can now see went wrong. As the boy said last night, hindsight is always 20/20. Now that we can sit down and talk calmly together, we’re starting to see a lot of where we went wrong in our relationship. I am also starting to see where I went wrong at life in general, and how it’s lead me to where I am now.

So, once again, I have failed at this whole Being A Grown Up thing, quite badly. But every failure I have is just one more teachable moment I can pass on to you, sunshine. Hopefully, you’ll learn a thing or two, and only have to fail vicariously through me.

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Can anyone explain to me how this is supposed to be relaxing? The lines and spaces are so tiny!
My brother got me this adult colouring book of postcards, a pack of colour pencils, and a pack of markers, for Christmas. He was hoping that it would help me with all the stress and anxiety I have right now. I have a tonne of friends who swear by these damn books, saying they’ve never felt so relaxed before.
Well for me, this damn this is stressful as hell!
I can’t stay within the lines. I can’t plan the colours out so they look nice together. And my pictures look nothing at all like the ones I’ve seen online, with the shading and gradients. Honestly, this damn book makes me feel like a failure.
Seems pretty stupid, doesn’t it?
And that’s ok.
As I’ve said before, not everything will work the same for everyone. Adult colouring books don’t help me at all. They help tonnes of people, but not me. What does help me? Cryptogram and logic puzzles. I know, who the hell is relaxed by those?
Just because everyone swears by it doesn’t mean it works for you. I have my long walks in the cold, loud metal music, rich red wine, and puzzles. Most of these things don’t work for anyone else I know (except the walks. My roommate is on a nice cold walk right now).
So you just make sure you’re doing what works best for you. Don’t try to force something just because everyone is talking about it. And that goes for most things in life.
So relax, my Sunshines.  And relax how ever works best for you.

Living With Someone: When Good Things Go Bad

Well I’ve been absent from my blog for quite a few weeks. Like I said before, I’ve been going through a lot of stuff. One of those things I’m dealing with has been a very strange break-up.

Now, he and I had been dating for a little over 3 1/2 years, and living together for a little over 2 years. Neither one of us is in any sort of financial position to move out of this house (his parents own the house, and it is a REALLY nice house with a really great price for rent and utilities). We both really like this house. He is an Army Reservist and goes to college, and I’m working (VERY) part-time in customer service, so it’s not like either one of us can afford our own apartment at this time. Plus, part of the reason we broke up is so that we can still live together and be friends, without wanting to kill each other.  So we’re trying to make this “not together but still living together” thing work.

Holy crap, is it harder than I thought it would be!

When I moved in with him (he’s the house manager, but his parents have said they’d rather have him move out than me, which makes things a little weird with that), we seriously thought this was going to wind up either a “forever” thing, or at least a “very very many years together” type thing. Neither one of us thought that a little over two years from then, we’d be splitting up. But that’s just what happened. Thankfully (I guess?), towards the end things started to go south. We each had our own bedroom this whole time, and we started sleeping in our own rooms again. We stopped doing things like cuddling on the couch, and having date night together. And we fought, seemingly all the time.

One day, a week before Christmas, we decided mutually that we needed to break up. It was the day that we were going to exchange our Christmas gifts, too, before he left for the holidays to see his family. I went to work that night, and he picked me up afterwards. We had texted a bit while I was working, making sure we were both ok with this break-up. That night, we exchanged gifts (I got him a new sherpa hoodie and the promise of new craft beers from work in the new year; he got me the book 10,000 Drinks and a machete), made our break-up Facebook-official, and set up our new Tinder accounts. To all outward appearances, we were handling this extremely well.

Well let me tell you, this is nowhere near as easy we have been making it seem!

Ok, so we don’t fight like we used to. But there were some things we were fighting about as a couple that directly related to our living situation (cleaning, roommate drama, his tendency to just let his to-do list get bigger and bigger while nothing gets done around here, my tendency to start just doing the things on his list until I get made and scream at him for not doing them months ago, etc….). None of these things have changed for us since we’ve broken up, but how we have to deal with them has. We used to fight, threaten to end our relationship, and then make-up. We can’t exactly do that now. This is forcing us to really look at things that need to get done around here, and who is actually doing them.

We also have to start dealing with the issue of dating. Now, we haven’t been broken up long, but the last year of our relationship was pretty crappy.  A lot of people thought we would’ve broken up long before we did, and a few thought we had already broken up. So we thought the idea of us seeing other people would be pretty damn easy for us to deal with.

Turns out, not so much.

I took it hard when he started texting with girls from Tinder, even though I have this weird flirtation-type-thing going on with a customer at my work. We have no idea how we handle the issue of bringing dates home with us, and try to make jokes about double dating. We’re also still attracted to each other at times, it seems, and are fighting that too. That last part hasn’t been a big issue between us yet, but it is making us question our behaviour together. We’re both cuddly people, and cuddle with friends. Can we cuddle together, or would that be weird? Can we still confide in each other? What about looking for dating advice? How the hell far can we take this friendship with each other?

Truthfully, it’s pretty damn hard living together like this.  I’m working on my resume as we speak, and will be starting a massive resume blast first thing Monday morning. I need to find a second job, and get out of this house. It’s just too damn weird for me.

All this weirdness is killing my creativity, too. Before he came home after the holidays, I was trying to get back into some more creative endeavours: I bought yarn to learn how to arm knit; started using my adult colour postcard book; started mapping out this blog for the year with ideas and themes; I even caught myself doodling in notebooks and writing down story ideas again. But as soon as he came home, that all just seemed to die.

So, I’ll be trying to get back into this blog again soon. Hopefully, I can write away the weird feelings I’m getting right now.

Well the last few weeks have been……. interesting. I have been too mentally and physically exhausted to write anything.
-my brother went through his first big break-up, then they made up, then his boyfriend started to really get on my nerves. I have no clue what their status is at any time, and have to be prepared for their next break-up because my brother did NOT handle the first one well at all.
-Mum had her angiogram, and we got the ok for her open heart surgery. She’ll be going in for that a few hours north of here, right around the same time dad has to go in for his ablation (another type of heart surgery). Both of their health is not exactly even good (dad has problems with afib and mum’s faulty valve has her heart down to working at around 30% of what it should be). Took the day off for mum’s procedure, went to do their heavy lifting for them to decorate for Christmas, and helped them put on their New Years Day party.
– worked every day recently besides New Years Day (when I helped them throw their party), Boxing Day (when my siblings woke me up at 5am to go shopping for close to 10 hours before I had to go home and clean), and Chris’s Day (which was an early morning, a few quick naps, and a lot of answering questions about recent events in my life, which drained me mentally). My first day off in weeks that is actually a day off from everything is this Wednesday.
– have been going through a ridiculously long process to get a job with a local government office of sorts (can’t say who). Credit checks, background checks, computer testing, spelling tests, grammar tests, interviews……. next step is filling out paperwork for a psychological analysis ( said it will take up to 4 hours) this Thursday, and then travelling a few hours north next Friday to meet with a psychologist.
-broke up with the boyfriend. We still live together, and get along great as friends. That’s a big part of why we broke up. Happened about a week before Christmas, before he went home to see his family. I took it rough for a few days, and am not sure how things will be when he gets back here next weekend.
– thanks to the break-up, it seems like everyone is trying to set me up with someone. I have family trying to set me up with every nice boy my age they meet, coworkers trying to set me up with our customers, and the people who aren’t trying to set me up with someone seem to think I have an obsessive crush on various male friends (apparently being single and appreciating that a boy has a nice butt means I lay awake at night imagining what our children will look like).
-between work, family, preparing for the holidays, and brief walks to trying and regain a bit of sanity, I haven’t been home much. As I keep saying, I’ve been home long enough to make a mess, not long enough to clean it. Lost my bed under piles of clothes and books, so I’ve been sleeping on the couch. And now that the holidays are over, I have to take all my new “free time” to clean up the house before my roommates get back.
– the holiday schedule was nuts (close one night, early morning stock shift the next, full day floor shift the next…….) and that threw off my sleep schedule. Thanks to this, I’ve been getting sick quite a bit. Seems like I have the never ending cold.
-and now that the holidays are over, my hours at work have been cut, drastically. I went from 34 hours a week to 0 hours scheduled. I have been lucky to pick up three shifts this week, but still have nothing so far foe next week. The biggest trigger for my anxiety? Poor finances. I can barely make it through January ok, but am in a panic for February.

This is just a list of the bigger things going on right now. Throw in my obsessive need to “Christmas properly”, my increasing drinking on many nights, analyzing an old crush on who I thought was “the one” and looking at why things went so horribly wrong, and an huge increase in engagements/weddings/babies all around me…… and things are going to hell. I just haven’t had the clarity in my mind to write anything in many weeks.

Hopefully I can get back to this blog soon though. I’ve been randomly playing in the kitchen, looking at recipes, and reading a lot on getting your first apartment to clear my head, so I have some fresh ideas bouncing around in me.

So I miss you all, Sunshines, and will be back to see you soon.