Exam Time Ragers

Well hey there sunshine! Top of the mornin’ to ya!

It’s bright and early here, and I’m downing coffee like it’s water. It’s finals week here for the Intersession classes, such as the two I took this semester. My first exam is today at noon. That means long days and nights of studying, attempting to get a half-way decent amount of sleep…… and pounding on my roommate’s door at 3:30am to tell his random friends to pipe the fuck down*

Now, this roommate isn’t exactly known for being considerate (or for having read the terms of the lease). Why, just a few days ago I had to leave a note on the fridge listing all of my things from the kitchen that have gone missing and I want back. (After a frantic search on his behalf, I got less than half of it back. He then proceeded to use my kitchen utensils.) And last semester, after asking me more than half a dozen times when my last exam was, he brought home a dozen or so friends just after midnight, two days before my last exam. Last night was the absolute worst, though.

I had passed out a few hours before and did not hear Tweedle Dumbass and his entourage come in. If they had just kept the noise down, I probably wouldn’t have noticed at all. But he had to thrown on the techno music, with it’s loud thumping bass. **thuwmp**thuwmp**thuwmp** thuwmp**thuwmp**thuwmp** Then his friends, even though they couldn’t be more than a few feet from each other in that room, started yelling to each other.

“I hope no one tries to touch my boobs!”

“We should all just get naked!”

“Seriously, no one better try to touch my boobs!”

“Oh my god guys! I’m wearing one shoe!”

“Goddamn it! Why isn’t anyone trying to touch my boobs!”


A little before 3am, I woke up.  I pulled a pillow over my head and tried to block out the noise. Surely they won’t be here much longer, I naively thought. By 3am, the urge to pee was rising almost as fast as my urge to slap someone with a raw tuna. 3:15am, that tuna urge had changed from raw to a bag of cans. By 3:30am, I couldn’t take much more of the noise or the throbbing in my bladder (made worse with every **thwump** that shook the walls). I got up to use the bathroom (located right next to his bedroom)…… and the toilet was vibrating was the music.

That was the last straw. Have you ever been half asleep, fully pissed off, with a bladder ready to burst, and have to sit on a toilet that is vibrating to some random techno song set to infinite repeat? My ass is still tingling. After flushing, washing, and resisting the urge to puncture a can of shaving cream and throw it in his room like a foaming grenade, I pounded on his door.

Dumbass didn’t even have the decency to open it himself.  He had a friend come talk to me.

Now, I was half asleep still, with a tingling ass from the vibrating toilet, and didn’t have a shred of patience left in me for this guy. So I let loose with a string of…… something. Like I said, I was half asleep. I’m pretty sure the words “pipe the fuck down” were said, along with an expletive-peppered request to shut up and turn off the music.

In the end, they turned down the music, but kept up the voices. For at least another 45 minutes, they shouted to each other across a tiny room. Every now and then you could hear someone “shhhhushhh” the others, but that would only last a few seconds at best.

So, here I am: one hour before I have to leave for my exam. I’m running on almost no sleep, am in a panic about the exam itself, and am filled with injurous rage. Tweedle Dumbass appears to have fled with his friends in the night, avoiding my wrath.

He can’t stay away forever, though.

*yes, I watch a lot of Jenna Marbles videos on my study breaks.


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